


It's Been Too Long

by orphan_account



Category: Connor Franta - Fandom, tronnor - Fandom, troye sivan - Fandom
Genre: Connor Franta - Freeform, M/M, Tronnor, troye sivan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-09-23 02:35:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9637166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It's not the way that they/he thought it would be.They're tired of avoiding. Exhausted of pretending. Dying inside smiling widely._*taking place in 2017*_(the story is ongoing but you can stop reading it after every chapter and make your own conclusions)





	1. it's been too long

**CONNOR**

The light coming out from the window that I forgot to cover yesterday burns my eyes, forcing me to open them a little. I fight with the brightness as I blink tens time in a second. I finally adapt to the morning's sunlight, and roll a bit just to face the ceiling.

Only a strand of my hair destroys the perfect whiteness of the view, but I'm way too weak to blow it away, not to mention moving my hand to get rid of the curl.

I listen to the clock as it ticks constantly and evenly, listen to my breath - inhale, exhale.

My brain begins to work on its own rules, reminding me about the dream I just woke up from. It was colorful, very bright and jumpy. I don't really remember what it was about, I just remember being happy.

_Fully_ happy.

I can't even recall the last time I felt this way. I mean, I am happy, but what does it even _mean_? I'm happy with most aspects of my life, I'm not happy with the full picture of it. It lacks a lot of things I've lost recently, it lacks the parts that used to form the perfect portrayal.

I move my body fast, but not too fast in order to avoid getting dizzy.

I look at my bare knees, at my hands put on them, and finally at myself in the mirror I once decided to hang on the wall right in front of the side of my bed where I always sit when I get up. I eye my body, my hair, and my eyes that turn out to be shining pretty nice today.

I smile to myself.

I smile, because it's just life. I smile, because there's only one life. One life, one chance.

I smile to warm up my soul and heart, to lose the pain and wipe up the blood pouring from the inside scars.

I smile, because there's so many reasons to smile. I can hear some cars driving by, I can hear some kids walking not so far from my house, I can hear a dog barking, I can remember the way the rain washes our world from what's wrong, I can see the sun shining, because a day is its turn to light up our lives, whilst stars take night shifts.

Still smiling, I stand up and approach the mirror. I make up my hair, amazed that it decided not to get completely ruined during the night and I look pretty decent. With a blink of an eye I turn to my left as I stretch my arms and neck.

After a few minutes of learnt throughout years moves, I sit by the table with hot coffee in my CC mug. It still amazes me how great it looks, the matt layer outside always steals my heart as soon as I see it.

I sip a bit of my lovely beverage as I open my MacBook. Coffee heats me up from the inside, burning my throat a little bit, but the fire turns into a pleasure.

I turn on the notebook app because I know I will have a need to write something as it comes to my head. I do not know how it happens, some words and sentences just appear in my mind when I do anything. Like really, anything. It comes to me when I watch TV, when I run, walk, take a shower, go to sleep, feed the birds that got used to coming to my little garden, lie on the grass, swim, drink coffee. Anything. It just happens completely out of the blue. So that I always have something I can write my thoughts slash ideas down on. Whether it's a napkin or notebook, it's my must have.

 

_I didn't notice him coming back and standing my coffee on the table in front of me. Only when the last words are written down on some cinema ticket I -fortunately- found in my pocket._

_"Can I read it?", he asks when his eyes meet mine, and he knows I'm done with writing for now. He always knows._

_"Yeah, sure", I reply, and hand him the piece of paper._

_He takes it gently as if it was a delicate flower, and starts reading._

_I look at him, sipping my coffee. His curls fall down freely on his forehead and eyebrows, his eyes are fully focused on what he's reading, his lips slightly parted as he silently vocalizes the words._

_"That's beautiful", he finally says, smiling._

You're beautiful _, I want to say, but I don't._

_"Thank you", I just whisper and hide the poem in my pocket._

_"How is your coffee?". He looks at me with the blue of his eyes eating at me. It happens every time when his gaze lands on me, the feeling like I'm drowning in an ocean._

_"Great, as always."_

_There comes silence, but it's simply comfortable, because it's us. We look out of the big window, we look at people, at dogs, at cars, at trees, at sky, buildings, the sun shining like there's no tomorrow. It's the habit that we share - we love pulling in what's around us. We always try not to be blind on the world knowing it has so much to offer._

_I suddenly feel his touch on my hand, he plays with my fingers using his thumb. I turn my gaze on my palm being brushed by his soft skin._

_And I don't need more._

 

The twitter dashboard appears on the screen, and I scroll through it. Down, down, down. The smile on my face gets bigger as I see good pictures and good posts, people being happy, some great performances done during my night.

_so so so_  
_so much to say_  
_talk through_  
_and break_  
_the silence_  


_such a beautiful world we live in_

_so so so  
_ _so much to say_

_so many layers to talk about as i wonder  
_ _when it became a mess_

_so much to say_  
_maybe i should just_  
_keep myself in  
_ _a quiet_

The letters appear on my screen as I just type, type, type. And it's finished. That's it.

I look at it one more time without any need to change it, because it must be raw. I save it in my 'note to self' folder and open a new page.

I come back to Twitter, and shut it after a few more minutes of scrolling, and turn on Instagram. Yes, I'm one of these people who are too lazy to take their phone and check on Instagram on it. Though I wouldn't call it a laziness. It's more of a "why looking like an idiot with my phone in my hand while my computer is right in front of me". So yeah.

I double-click on these pictures that I like, knowing that it's just a matter of minutes that I see something that I don't want to see.

And there it is, an old photo of me and Tyler. The drawback of following fan accounts.

I look at it, because I'm a _self-destruct_ machine.

It's the picture we took like two years ago. But it's not whole. It's cut, it lacks someone.

 

_"Show me this", I say as I take his hands into mine._

_"It won't get off me", he complies using his five-years-old kid's voice._

_"Come here". I tug him to the shower where I find a sponge, and I start scrubbing his hand with it in order to get rid of the dirt on them._

_"Why do this always happen in the end?", he asks. I don't look at him, focusing on my work. "Like, it's always fun when it's fun, it's good when it's good, but in the end we always seem to see all these drawbacks of what we were doing. You watch a great movie that lasts three hours, but in the end you feel your ass getting numb. You scream your lungs off on some great concert, and afterwards you are speechless, like_ literally _. You play with some dirt doing art, and then you spend an hour in Tyler's bathroom getting rid of this shit."_

_"But it's always worth it, isn't it?", I finally ask after a minute of silence. "Put your hand under the water", I add._

_He nods, and I let go of his palms. He approaches the sink and starts the water._

_"It is", he says, looking at me in the mirror with a smile._

_"So why bothering about it?"_

_He keeps quiet for a while, I only hear the water hitting his skin and the sink and Tyler talking to someone on his phone and walking back and forth in the living room._

_I look at him with a grin on my face. With all honesty I'm amazed how much I changed within a few months. I can't believe I freely think about boys and not considering it wrong. That I can say "I'm gay", and that's it. And that this very boy has been a part of this process. I don't think I'll ever be able to thank him enough._

_"Because no matter how good it feels, no matter how_ great _the excitement is, no matter how much joy and pleasure you have, it always ends somehow bad. In some way, a few percent of the goodness is always damaging you a bit. It sucks, to be frank."_

 

I avoid clicking hashtags, because I know what may come with it. And I'm not ready yet.

***

The sound of the door being shut hits my ears, I pulled the doorknob a bit too hard. Not my fault, why do you look at me this way, stranger? I mean, it's not my fault my thoughts somehow find their way to my motions in every way possible. I hide the key in the inside pocket of my shorts, and start running.

 

 

**TROYE**

The melody kindly strokes my mind, pulling it from the dream zone.

I can't spell the words that the woman is singing, but I know the translated lyrics by heart. I let her sing.

_"You sleep, so beautiful,_  
_the silent plays in the corners_  
_no need for words  
_

_for the moon will say what's left to say_

_You sleep, and I try and whisper my breathing_  
_the sheets smell with the fire of our bodies-"*_

I slap the phone, and turn down the alarm. Enough.

I moan, breaking the silence.

He's not there, I know. He said he must in his agency early 'cause of some photo shoot, and I didn't ask for more explanation. It's his part of life that I have an access to, but I want to know only the things that I consider needful.

Besides, he'll show me the results as soon as they are out, so I simply don't feel an urge to know more than I know now.

There's no cup on the table when I enter the kitchen. No note, no simple gesture that would remind me of his presence that I missed this morning.

 

_I take the mug that I found standing on the table and I approach the coffee machine. While it's turning on, I turn my body, and start looking for milk. I find it in the fridge with a note stuck to it._

Good morning, Troye _, it says. A smile lights up my face on its own, I chuckle silently._

_"Good morning, Connie", I whisper. He can't hear me, of course, since he is probably taking his morning run, but I feel like I need to let this words out._

_After a while, I sit with my coffee on his couch looking around the living room. Everything here is just so_ him _. The simplicity mixed up with geometry and floral shapes, the whiteness mixed up with pastel colors and dark wood, the perfect smell and the lightness that seems to be coming from nowhere - it's just him._

_I look out the window. It's August, the sun is shining happily, warming up skins and hearts, creating shadows that we sometime feel the need to hide in. The taste of my coffee on my tongue brings the pleasure which I didn't know I wanted, but surely needed. His coffee is always perfect. "I hope you'll like it", he always say as he hands the beverage he just made to a person, just as if there was any possibility that someone won't like it._

_The time goes, and suddenly I hear the door being opened._

_I turn my head left to see him entering the house with his messed up hair, large smile and heavy breathing._

_"Hi", he says closing the door behind him._

_"Hi", I reply. My heart grows and gets warmer, but it's not coffee this time._

 

I think love him. I feel some kind of desire, I feel the need to be next to him.

But I can't stop the feeling that my body and mind is capable of living without him. I enjoy his presence, his skin, his energy next to me, but when I don't have him near, I don't complain. I find it a bit strange, but I never really thought about it, because why should I? I have him, I feel good, have fun, get kisses and hugs, get safety in his arms.

But I don't find myself as I look into his eyes. They are beautiful, said eyes. He's beautiful. With his flaws and his perfections. I like the way his hair get messy during the night, I like the way he dresses up, always careful with his clothes. I like many things about him, I can talk and talk.

But I cannot stop comparing. Comparing, comparing, comparing.

I sit with my coffee on the couch. The surroundings are cold. I mean, the flat is furnished really nice, but it's not really my style. It's way too simple and... edgy. I find a few cool pictures on shelves, some paintings on the walls, but it's not enough for me. That place just lacks some heart, a soul. And I know he's got a good taste, and he can create really great things. It just makes me sad that he doesn't show it in the way he lives. Unlike Connor.

_Fuck me, please._ I mentally slap myself.

***

"Hi."

"Hi", I answer as I close the door behind me.

"Why didn't you pick up your phone? I called you like ten times", he says. I can hear a bit of an anger in his voice.

"I was in the studio, you know that I tend to shut myself in there as if the world didn't exist", I explain myself. Like for the sixty sixth time.

"Yeah. Anyways. What about we go out to have some dinner? Together."

"Sure", I shrug, glad that he can't see me now.

"See you in fifteen minutes then?"

"Yeah", I try and sound excited.

"Okay."

"Bye."

I tuck the phone into my pocket and exit the building. World hits me with its fullest, noises of cars heading to their directions, talks, barking, honks. It's 4 p.m., so there's nothing else that I can suppose to hear. I walk down the street gaining some pitying looks from random stranger. For them I am too skinny - _maybe he has anorexia or some shit_ , they wonder - and too weird - _he's got such a weird presence, he looks_ , they think - and too ridiculously dressed up - _what's wrong with him? wearing yellow pants? and white shirt with it? who does this kid think he is?_ , they ask themselves. Just as if there was a need for it. I also notice a few smiles and appreciation. Lucky me, I stopped giving a single fuck a long time ago.

_Proudly,_ I head the restaurant that we always go to for dinner. With my head up, smile on my face and back straight. I am indestructible. That I know. For as long as you feel good, fuck anybody else.

I open the door, and I see him already waiting for me. I look down at my left wrist checking the time. I made it in 10 minutes.

As I approach him, he stands from his chair and smiles. He welcomes me in his arms.

"Hello", he says. I only nod, and we sit opposite each other.

"How was your day?", he asks checking out the menu.

"Not so bad, but I did nothing productive to be honest", I sigh.

"What do you mean?"

"No new songs, I could only come out with a few words."

"Oh."

And that's it. He doesn't ask anything more. He stopped some time ago. And it hits me every time it happens, harder and harder.

"And yours?", I continue the small talk.

"Pretty good, I have two photo shoots to do in this week and some auditions to attend in the next two days", he replies. "A few of them is in New York, so I won't be home for a while", he adds looking at me.

"Okay. Do you want me to go with you?" I try and not to show how sad he makes me. Not because he goes. Only because he stopped asking if I want to go with him.

"You're always welcome to go with me, and you know that, Tro", he smiles. "But if you feel the need to stay here and work, then it's alright."

I stare at him, a little bit too long. I try to read his face, his eyes that somehow are mirrors for everything but me.

"I probably should stay", I answer.

"That's okay."

"Jake?", I hear myself asking, way too late to get it back.

He looks at me again, his smile already gone.

"Yes?"

Why are you like this? What happened? Are you _done_ with me? Why are you with me? Are you even with me? Can I kiss you? Can you kiss me? Can we go home?

"Nothing, it's nothing", I murmur.

_Ask again, ask again_.

He doesn't.

 

" _Hiii!", his cheerful voice echoes in my ears so loud that I have to pull the phone away from my face and pat my left ear._

_"You'll make me deaf, Con, stop sreaming!", I laugh closing the door behind me._

_The streets are getting empty. What's left after the day are people heading their homes after work or going to clubs with friends, which is why I almost only hear young laughters and working engines._

_"I'm not screaming", he says trying to make his voice sound resentful._

_"You are, Con-Con."_

_"Go to hell."_

_"I love you, too." The words leave my mouth freely and softly, with a natural ease._

_"Idiot."_

_"Your idiot."_

_"That's true. Never have I thought I would have an idiot only for myself. I am constantly being surprised by life."_

_I roll my eyes, and I know he knows I do it. He always does._

_"Is the dinner for me already made? I'm starving", I say playfully._

_"I just made it home from quick run, so I suggest we make something together?", he answers questioningly, the smile on his face being hearable._

_"Sounds great to me."_

_It takes me almost thirty minutes to reach his house, but I use them fully looking around, staring at the sky and people, at the darkness eating the day. It makes me feel powerful, this feeling of being saturated with surroundings._

_"Well, hello, everybody!", I say loudly as I enter the house. I try my best to make an impression of Tilly. "My name is Tyler Oakley, and today we are making avocado toasts, since it's always a good time to use your breakfast as your dinner."_

_"Totally agreed". Connor's arms wrap around me from behind. "Good impression, by the way."_

_"Thank you", I chuckle turning my head to face his profile, and kiss his temple._

_"So decided, then? Avocado toasts?" He hides his nose in the crouch between my neck and jawline._

_"I don't see why not."_

_"And I don't see your face, come here."_

_I laugh silently, turning my whole body this time._

_"Hi", I say, losing my mind in the forest of his eyes, and seeing my reflection in the mirror of his gaze._

_"Hi, boy."_

_He kisses me shortly, leaving my lips warm and electricity going through my body._

_"How was your day?", he asks, as I take off my shoes. We head to the kitchen with our foots bare, just as we like it, simply loving the feeling of the ground, whether it's some wood, grass or water._

_"It was good, we finished next song", I reply. "Sorry for not answering your phone call, but-"_

_"No, no, it's nothing", he cuts, waving his hand. "I'd forgotten for a while that you were in the studio, and wanted you to buy milk on your way home, but it's okay."_

_And I don't ask anything more, because his honest face and welcoming eyes are telling me, that he understands._

_"Ain't you mad?", I ask, just making sure that he doesn't feel abandoned by my habit._

_"Are you mad when I write some shit down all of sudden on a receipt when we're on a walk, and probably wondering where the hell I took my pen from?", he questions me, stopping by the counter and pulling me to his side by my hands. I stand in front of him, studying his expression._

_"I'm not", I admit, because it's true._

_"So stop asking stupid questions, and let's make some breakfast at 11 p.m., I am hungry as f."_

_I nod, and hug him in the need to feel his presence as close as possible. He hugs me back, and we stand for a while just like that. I breathe him in, rubbing his back with my hands._

_"Tro?", he whispers._

_"Huh?". I pull back a bit, his lips reach my ear._

_"Can I tell you something?"._

_"Of course", I answer in a low voice, feeling goosebumps appearing on my neck._

_"I'm really, reeeaaally-", he murmurs sounding like a cat. "-really hungry."_

_"I hate you."_

 

"You're sure you know everything?"

"Yeah."

"If you need to ask something, call me anytime."

"I will", I ensure, though I know that 'anytime' doesn't mean 'anytime' at all.

"Okay."

"Go already, or you'll miss your flight."

"Don't you worry, I'll make it."

He smiles, and kisses me shortly. As his lips leave mine I feel nothing but cold.

"Have a nice time, Jake", I say hugging him.

"You too, Troye."

And in that way he leaves his flat that I am about to live in for the next days. Surprisingly-or maybe not so much- I don't feel any different with this weird lack of his presence.

I am ashamed to admit that, but I feel... relieved?

Maybe.

I lie on the couch that is so freaking uncomfortable with its edgy arms, and I immediately regret it when I hit my head with one of said arms.

"Fucking couch", I say to myself hissing. I reach out for some pillows that lay on the armchair. "Somebody tell me what kind of idiot makes this kind of couches."

When I finally feel comfortable enough, grab my phone from the coffee table.

"Hello, Twitter, whaddup", I murmur, again, to myself. Such entertaining talk. Is this healthy? "Let's see what happened today besides Trump continuing to be a dick, and Lady Gaga slaying as always."

After a minute of scrolling I find nothing interesting, so I click on the YouTube app.

And let me tell you, _every_ time you open some app, make sure to prepare yourself somehow. Because I didn't, and I suddenly feel its results.

The first suggested video is something that I've avoided watching. I've avoided even thinking about it, what hasn't been that easy with  Instagram, Tumblr, Twitter and people around me.

But here I am, home alone, with nothing breaking the silence but the clock ticking and making every second measurable. And not only I _am_ alone, I _feel_ alone.

_Fuck me_ , I think, and click on the video.

 

_"This is probably the closest to our collab", I laugh as I look at the camera upon us._

_"Actually, it looks pretty cool from this angle", he says and grabs his phone laying on the floor next to him._

_I watch his face as he focuses on the screen, looking for good light, angle and placing. He's the first person I know that takes a picture of a camera laying right under it._

_And I love it. Correct me if I'm wrong, but there's no way someone wouldn't fall in love with those crinkles on his nose that appear as he tries to take a picture. With these fingers that touch the screen like butterfly's wings hit the air._

_"How can you be so good?", I ask, kinda out of the blue._

" _What?"_

_I roll to get closer to him, I lie my head down on his shoulder and put my arm around his stomach. I admire the way he moves his finger editing photo that looks amazing. Who knew that this camera had so much to offer._

_"You're so good, that sometimes I can't believe you're real", I say, my voice a bit muffled 'cause of his sweater that I dug my nose into. "You're too good to be good, you're addicting. Is this even legal? Is this healthy? I don't think my body can handle that much. I'm kinda wasted on you, Connor Franta. You should be arrested, but what would I do if you got arrested? I can't make these freaking avocado toasts as good as you, I would die with anorexia. And ho-"_

_I get caught off guard as Con shuts my mouth, and kisses me pressing my body to the floor, laying on me._

_"You're too fat, get off me!", I laugh._

_"I'm just too good, you silly", he says and kisses me again._

_And I still can't believe his kisses are legal. They should be forbidden, they steal, they break into, they kill._

_And yet I still find myself breaking this unwritten law._

 

I stare at the words changing on the screen, not even trying to remember the names belonging to random people who made the video. Random for me, but how much random for him?

Are these his friends? Does he like them? Do they make him happy? Do they make him smile and laugh, do they make sure he eats properly?

They probably don't.

I feel broken at times, too.  
  


 

** CONNOR **

 

"Hiii!"

Tyler hugs me tightly as always, cheerful and loud.

"Hello", I laugh, and pull out a bit.

"What are you up for?", he asks when we sit next to each other by the table.

"I feel like eating some grilled chicken. And vegetables."

"You're _so_ boring", he complains rolling his eyes.

"I know you love me, stop denying it."

"I'm not. I just cannot _believe_ I love someone so boring."

"If I am so boring, why bothering to meet up with me?", I tease handing him one of two menus.

"Because there's only one of you, and I can't find anyone else whom I would like to eat my lunch with. Even though you're boring. Sometimes."

Now it's my time to roll eyes. Our conversations almost always don't make sense, but they don't have to. It's just us being comfortable with each other, feeling each other's presence and cherishing every moment. I don't see why we always have to talk with sense.

"I think I'll take the same shit you've chosen."

"Hypocrite."

"Nah." He puts the menu away. "I'm just lazy to the point that I don't even want to read it."

"But you know the menu almost all by heart."

"Connor. Don't you _dare_ come for me, ok?" He looks at me squinting. I laugh at his expression, and he joins me after a few second giving up trying to look intimidating. "I heard they have a new waiter. The woman behind us says he's got a nice ass."

"Ty!"

"What?", he asks with puppy eyes. "I'm sorry, I forgot that we shouldn't be getting horny in public. But is there even any law that says we cannot? I actually wonder if there is. Connor?"

I don't think there's a scale that would show how much done I'm with him.

"But think about it", he continues despite the lack of an answer from me. "Do you think Trump wouldn't like us getting horny in public? Is this illegal? Like having a boner while walking on a sidewalk? I can easily imagine him trying to cover me with a sign that says something like _DON'T BE A SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY_  or some other shit and-"

His mouth shut. I feel his eyes on me looking for any sign of... something. _Anything_. Any reaction.

"I'm sorry, Con, it just came out."

"No problem."

I swallow slowly.

Sometimes we still fail at not using phrases that _he_  was using. Because it's hard. _Really_ hard.

"I thought about it, you know?" he ask with his voice so low that I must really focus to realize what he's just said.

"About what?"

"This all." He waves his hand before him sideways, and leans back. I follow suit, the soft material comforting my back.

I can't say what I feel. Do I want to talk about it? Am I ready to hear him out?

"What do you mean?", I ask after a while of silence.

"That I don't understand. Like why did he..."

"Good morning."

We both look up to see the waiter standing by our table. He's new, for sure, but I don't find him anything more that just pretty. He's tall, with short blonde hair and dark eyes. And he's just a boy, maybe a men in my age.

"Mooornin'", I hear Tyler's voice which he turned into the seductive mode. "A new face, I see?"

I let him make our orders leaning forward, I rest my elbows on the tabletop and my chin on my hands.

I don't understand, too, Tyler. If only I could understand, maybe it all would be easier. Maybe this understanding would make my pain go away. Maybe I would be fully happy, and with purest honesty I would wish him to be happy, too.

Not that I don't want him to be happy. But I can't stop wondering how he makes it. Did he forget? Did he throw away our time? Did he refreshed his mind, and started from a new beginning?

Does he feel this disability to take a breath? Does he have someone who would take it away and let him breathe?  

Does he ever miss me? 

Because it feels like he doesn't. It's like I wasn't in his life at all.

Does he see my in his dreams? Does he want me to be in them?

"There's no going back, Connor", I whisper to myself.

"What?"

I realize that the waiter is gone, and Tyler sits so close to me that I feel his arm being pressed to mine.

"I said that there's no going back to what happened. It happened." I shrug, even though I want to scream.

"I know it happened, and although it's been months, I still can't get it. It's like we were nothing in his life, like, you know, like we were never there. It makes me freaking _sad_."

I couldn't agree more.

Besides the 'sad' part. I don't think what I feel is sadness. Sadness is just a part of this compilation.

"It's his life, to be honest. If he doesn't want us in it we ca-"

" _Connor_ , I know you don't mean it, _stop_ lying to yourself and to _me_. I miss him as much as you do, though I realize you miss not only him as _friend_ , but as someone who was making the other half of you." He hugs me with one arm around my waist, and I try not to break into pieces right here and now.

"It's so hard", I say, swallowing the tears that block my throat.

"I know, Con-bon. And I'm so freaking sorry that I believed it was you fault. That it was you who was spreading lies, even though they didn't exist. I'm constantly amazed by the fact how stupid I was."

"Don't be sorry", I say, sniffing. " It wasn't your fault."

"It kinda was, but I'm glad I figured out myself being lied to right on time. Right when you needed me."

"I cannot thank you enough for being there for me, Ty."

"This is what friends are for, right?"

I look at him, and he smiles slightly.

When did this lunch even turn into that kind of talk?

"He left, and it's not your fault, Con. He was gone with no word, leaving you to relapse. I was so afraid about you." _These_ are words I haven't heard before. Somehow, we've always avoided talking about the weeks when Tyler was trying to make up my life, being with me as I was doing every video, making sure I was eating, attempting to make me smile. "I was more afraid than after you came out to me. 'Cause even though I knew it was terribly hard for you, you could make it. And you did, which I'm proud of. But when he left, I though I was about to lose you. I didn't feel sad, I didn't feel bad, I wasn't scared. I was _lost_. Because it all happened so fast. Just in something that seemed to be seconds."

"Thank you", I say simply. I can't force myself to say anything more. Words are just not enough, words are words. They either hit right, or make no affect. Not to mention _no words_.

"And I thank you", he chuckles.

"What for?". Now _I_ am surprised.

"For being here with me today. And yesterday. And I hope tomorrow. For being my friend. You're great, and do not forget about it." He hugs me again, just like he always does.

"We're _both_ great, and I believe we'll make it through whatever."

 

_pieces_  
just like pieces I lie in the shadow  
that sun forces our tree to lay on the grass  
_we used to share_

_I feel myself in the pieces as shallow_  
_as the raindrop gone away from glass  
_ _so clear and mere_

_it doesn't hurt you like it should_  
seemingly I guess  
_and you seem to be all good  
_ _perfectly I guess_

 

**TROYE  
**

 

The day is gone, sooner that I thought it would be. Jacob left two hours ago, it's 8 p.m. and I don't know what to do. Usually, I would call my parents or siblings, but I don't feel like it's what I need.

So I thoughtlessly lie down on the carpet in Jacob's living room. I try to focus on everything but what's on my mind. I force myself to think about the ceiling, about shelves that are stick to the walls, about _anything else_. But everything in this apartment is _so_  boring, that I can't even find a scale for it.

"Sing, you idiot", I murmur to myself.

Yeah, _idiot_ , but what? 99,99% of songs in this world is about love, so what can I sing?

About how much I miss him? About how much I wish he was here with me, because with him I could lie on the floor forever? About how much I want him to drink with me one more coffee? About how much I wonder if he thinks of me? About how many times I've seen him in my dreams?

About how many times I wanted to speak, but I've kept quiet?

I feel my eyes getting wet as I finally let myself ask these questions.

It's been so long. Too long. I've been trying not to let these feeling touch me, but now not only they scream to me, but also take my breath away, and stab my heart harder with every second.

I feel so bad, physically _ill_.

Sick. I have a headache, I have shivers, tears are running on my face uncontrollable. I sit as I feel revolutions in my stomach. In maybe five seconds I find myself hanging over the toilet and emptying my body from all I've eaten today.

I cry harder, and harder. I want to scream, so I scream. I wipe up my lips, I hit the wall, and I shiver so much, that I start getting worried about my health.

"Stupid! Fucking stupid!", I yell standing up. I don't feel my knees, my body seems to be made of jelly, but I fall on the floor just where I was laying before.

"I'm so sorry. So fucking sorry you have no idea", I say harshly. I wish someone could hear me. _He. Them. Anyone._  "It's not going the way that I thought it would be. It's not, it's not, it's not. But why should I be angry? How can I be mad? It was _me_ who left you, and it was stupid."

I press my palms to my eyes, I don't want to see anything anymore. Not unless it's his smile, that I immediately remember. I can see his face in the darkness under my eyelids. I can see his sandy curls, his green eyes, his perfect smile, crinkles around his eyes that tend to appear as he laughs.

And I can't, I can't anymore.

I can't pretend there was nothing, I can't live without him, I can't live like that.

I wanted him gone, because I thought it would make my life easier. _His_ life easier. His mind clear. I thought that we weren't meant to be, because we were so far away from each other.

It's so weird to think that my friends and fans think that because I write meaningful songs then I understand everything, and I have an ability to interpret every metaphor.

I don't.

I only now realize, that the distance doesn't matter. I only now realize how stupid I was, thinking that it was distance that was maleficent. It was _me_. It was me and my overthinking. It was me lying to Tyler that Connor had been spreading rumors that did _not_ even _exist_. How could I even think that lying around leaving him would make me feel better?

And more important, how could I be so careless about what he feels?

***

"I can't sleep."

I swallow. I close my eyes, breathe slowly inhaling the smell of the pillow I stole from the couch. The candle I found hidded deep down in some box is putting flashing lights on my face.

"Neither can I", he whispers.

 

** CONNOR **

 

The candle smells like always. Like forest right after rain. Homely, similar.

The silence lasts for a few seconds. I listen to his breath wondering if he could hear me. Inhale, exhale. _Even his breathes are beautiful,_ I think despite the pain growing in my heart.

"How was your day?", he asks in a low voice, but I hear every word, I almost see his lips saying them. I know them by heart, more then my own ones.

We talk so silently as if we were scared that we would wake up someone laying next to us.

We both know there's _nobody_  next to us. I'm home alone, laying on my bed upside down. He's home alone. I just know he is.

We always knew it somehow. We were a good team.

"A bit weird. And empty", I finally answer. "And how was yours?"

"A bit sad."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"I'm sorry, too."

And I listen to his breathes again as the silence falls between us.

_Don't_ ask me why I picked up the phone. _Don't_ ask me what I feel. _Don't_ ask me what I think. Just don't, because I have no answer.

"Tro-"

"No, listen to me now", he cuts. His voice is louder but I can hear it being harsh, just as if he was crying or screaming. _Or simply singing, Connor_. "This time I want you to listen, because this time I'm gonna speak, unlike I did when I left you. I'm an idiot, Connor. It all felt so good that I thought I would lose is as soon as my music career starts taking me away from you. I thought that if I let you be where you are, and let myself not forcing you to keep in touch with me or taking you with me everywhere, that maybe it would be okay. _We_ would be ok. And guess what? It wasn't. It isn't okay, Connor. It's more than not okay. It's wrong, it's worse than being alone, because being alone means being on the level zero, and I feel like I'm on the levels under the fucking zero. I feel as if I was made from just a half of me. The half that performs, sings, is there for family and Jake, but the other half, the one with proper feelings, the half I left with you. Not only I _left_ it with you. It _is_ you. You were part of me, and I ripped you off just like a piece of wallpaper, and threw you on the floor. And I just can't anymore. I can't. And I apologie. I apologie for everyday I wasn't there for you. I apologie for every moment you felt bad because I left you. I apologie for being such a dick and not speaking even a word to you or Tyler, who God knows did nothing wrong. I apologie I left you. I'm sorry, Connor Franta."

It's here.

It's something that I've not let myself to think that I needed and wanted to hear, but I let it pour into me like a medicine.

I cry, trembling a bit. I look at the ceiling listening to Troye's uneven breathes and sobs.

One, two, three. I can only hear my heartbeat, the air that lets out of my and his lung, and his sobs.

I just realize he's _crying_.

"I want to hold your hand so bad right now", I whisper.

"What?", he asks as if it was not the thing he thought he would hear.

"I don't know, Troye. I just want to hold you." So bad.

"I- I want it, too. I need you, Connor. And I don't want you to forgive me just because you feel like it's a good thing, just because you're a good person. If you ever forgive me, I want you to forgive honestly. If you ask me to, I'll never call you again. If you want me to, I'll never talk to you and never bother you. But I will never stop until I'm sure you are good. That you have someone by your side, that you're smiling with all your heart, that you sleep good and eat properly. I want you to be happy."

"I can't be happy without you", I say, and it's true. It's all I needed him to know, and I put my heart on this one moment, one card right now. It can be given me back, or taken and played on.

And I'm not sure I can take again the pain that heartbreak brings.

"I can't be happy without you, too", he says, and I let out a sigh of relief. Tears run down my temples and land on the floor. "I need you. I'm sorry, but I need you. I'm done with being alone."

"What about-?"

"Oh, no, don't, Connor. You _really_ think that I would get over you just for someone else? I was _trying_ , Con. Trying so hard it hurts. I was trying to go on with him by my side, but he just... He isn't you. It's not love that I feel for him. I feel like I want to take care of him, I feel like being with him, but it's not love. It's never been. Love is what you are."

I chuckle a bit, just because it's so unreal. Just because I don't know what to think, I only want to scream and jump, even though my body is weak due to everything that happened.

"Will it be okay?", I simply ask, wiping up my tears, and rolling on the bed so I lie on my side, the phone laying next to my face.

My ribs hurt a bit as I move, but they won't anymore. They won't.

Will it be okay? It's the only question I need an answer for.

"It will be okay", he answers. "Everything will be alrgiht. From now on. I promise."  
  


 

_ _ _ _ _ _

* _The Moon Song_ , Varius Manx

**©**  alert - the poems were written by me.  

Hello, dear reader.

First and foremost, I'm Polish, so forgive me any typos I missed and grammar mistakes. I hope it wasn't so bad that you couldn't understand shit.  
This thing was a burden on my brain and chest for over a month. I couldn't make myself write anything, but, to be honest, I knew I wasn't able to write. Not until I had it all figured out. And I wrote it in 5 hours during my way home in train.

Thanks for reading,

love you.


	2. we should not have ever stopped

** CONNOR **

 

The first thing I see as I wake up is my phone. And immediately I remember what I did in the middle of the night.

I picked up my phone. I talked to him.

I talked to him, talked to him, talked to him.

 

_it was  
_ _no_

_it's been  
_ _so good to hear you again_

_again?_

_so bad bad bad that I heard you again  
_ _we should not_  
let me say again

 _we should not have ever stopped_  
have ever been  


_stopped_

_we should not be again  
_ _we should be still_   


_or  
_ _over_   


_it has been good to hear you again_

 

I stop typing and look at the words. I don't know what to think about them, so I just save this thing that you can consider a poem and turn off the screen.

The light coming out from the window seems to be trying very hard to wake me up or at least entertain me somehow, and I feel kinda sorry for its effort. I can't get up from bed. I try, but my body doesn't cooperate with my mind. I just _can't_.

I roll on my bed only to accidentally look at my closet. The door isn't closed, so I can see every hanging sweater and shirt, every pair of pants folded neatly and put on white shelves.

I haven't thrown away his things, because why would I?

It's all I've got.

Throwing his things away would mean that I want to get rid of him, that I don't want to remember.

So I stare at the black hoodie, two over sized sweaters and a few shirts that once belonged to him. I wonder if they still do. If you wear someone's clothes, are they their or yours? Do they ever stop smelling like the other person? If you wash them, do they still have this other person's touch of skin on them?

Never have I stopped calling them his. Not that I've ever said that aloud. Nobody knows what my closet contains, so I say "his" only in my mind, probably being too scared to say this aloud.

Maybe not really _say_ , but rather _hear_.

Almost tripping over my duvet, I hastily approach the closet and close its door. It feels weirdly cold on my skin when I hit it with my bare back and slide down to sit on the floor.

It doesn't last long.

 

Fifteen minutes later I find myself drinking coffee in the black hoodie and with hot tears running down my cheeks.

 

 

_"Don't."  
_

_I sit up and turn my body just to let my legs hand on the side of the bed._

_"Connor, what's wrong?", he asks as he tries to follow my moves, but I am faster and I stand up before he can touch me._

Everything _._

_"Nothing", I whisper starting to pace around the room. I feel his eyes on me, but I'm not brave enough to look into them, so I just glance at everything around, mostly focusing on the floor._

_"Connor, if you don't tell me what's wrong, I'll call Tyler."_

_"What does Tyler have to do with me?"_

_"I don't know." He shrugs. "But maybe he's better in talking to you than me."_

_"He's not!"_

_I stop and put my hand on my lips. I yelled._ Fuck _._

 _"It seems like he is", he continues as I turn my back to him. "We haven't talked properly like for over a month, Con. If I hurt you somehow, just tell me, because I_ don't know _what to do anymore."_

_His broken voice feels like a knife stabbing my heart, but the words I want to say just won't come out._

_"You- you didn't hurt me", I choke on my own words pushing on my neck with my hands around it._

Say it.

_"Then what happened?" I hear him standing up. My heart sinks in its own blood and I don't think it's beating. I can't hear anything but Troye's breaths and his steps when he approaches me._

_"Tro-"_

_"No, Connor, I can't stand it anymore." His voice echoes way too close to my ears, so I start walking around the room again._

_The mess in my head simply isn't willing to let me find any appropriate words. I have two things to say out loud, but only one of them has been told a few times. The other one has been hidden deep inside me for a few months. It managed to show up on the surface of my mind by itself about a month ago and I haven't been able to hide it again since then._

_It just hits me everyday yelling at me,_ say it!

_"I just-". I stop  pacing, and lean on the wall rubbing my face with my hands. "It just won't-", I try, I really do, but the words only get stuck in my throat objecting to be said._

_"What is it, Con?" He tries and approaches me again. I don't run away this time._

_I actually look at him. I look at his bare feet, black tight jeans, over sized black hoodie that looks like a blanket on his skinny body, at the red bandana tied around his neck, at his pink lips, piercing eyes, curly hair that he didn't bother to make up today._

_I look at him, and it's like I can see him for the first time. Realizing that he's standing not further than a one single step from me, I mindlessly start studying his face. The birthmark that always catches my attention, a few freckles on his nose, his eyebrows that are lifted up slightly as they match to his worried expression._

_"Connor?"_

_"I just-", my voice cracks. I sigh and make this move with my hands- clenching and unclenching them- to show him that my throat is blocked as if I had a filter in it. A very dense filter. "I don't-"_

_"Okay, then." Troye sighs and rubs his eyes with his fingers. "I'm leaving, call me when you're ready to-"_

_I never hear the words that he's about to say. By catching the sleeve of his hoodie as he turns I pull him back to me and within a blink of an eye my lips are attached to his warm ones._

_His reaction is nothing short of what I expected. His hands immediately lands on both sides of my neck as he pulls me closer and deepens the kiss. His thumbs gently rub the skin under my ears leaving it hot._

_I'm not sure where my hands are and what they are doing, but I can feel his skin with my fingertips, so that I suppose they wandered under his hoodie. And apparently, he doesn't even mind it._

_"Troye", I whisper between kisses and millisecond lasting breaks just to take another breath._

_"Yes?"_

_"I'm gay", I say and I feel this slight fear that I always feel as I try and come out to people. It probably will never disappear._

_He pulls back a little bit and touches my forehead with his. I don't open my eyes, still scared and ready to cry as I feel tears that start to fill under my eyelids._

_"You're gonna be okay, my little boy", he whispers. His breath hits the skin on my cheekbones as he kisses both of them. "You'll be fine."_

_The kiss that comes after his words is light and delicate, his fingers buried in my hair, my hands rubbing his back under the black hoodie, and our breathes filling the air in the rhythm of our wildly beating hearts._

_And I cry, but the hot tears running on my cheeks bring me indescribable relief._

 

 

** TROYE **

 

_"Wait, stop!"_

_I almost trip over my own feet as I hear Connor's voice._

_I glance at the boy over my shoulder, only to witness him laying on the sidewalk with face glued to his phone screen as he tries to take a picture. A wide smile lands on my lips. This_ boy _, I swear._

_Looking at the clear sky I remind myself the last year when I was trying to count the times when I was close to falling because of him, but I gave up on this idea as soon as the number got higher than one hundred eighteen._

_I don't say a word letting him focus and ignoring weird looks that people throw on us as they walk by. Neither I nor Connor care about them, simply because we know that none of them would do the same thing. Honestly, there are not enough words what would describe how proud I am to see Connor Franta not giving a single shit about other people's weird glances. He's gone from the boy who couldn't even properly say a word 'gay' to the boy who lives his day and wouldn't mind hanging a huge rainbow flag on his front door._

_After a few minutes he smiles with a pride and looks at me._

_"Either you're so tall, or I'm this small", he says leaning his head on my shoe._

_"You're this small, deal with it." I move my feet up and down a little bit._

_"Thanks for your honesty."_

_He reaches out his hand to me._

_I catch it, and help him stand up. Having noticed the dirt on his shoulder and back, I slide my palm up and down on his shirt in order to get rid off sand and leaves._

_"What did you get?", I ask as we start walking again._

_Instead of answering, he hands me his phone. I scroll through the pictures he just took. The tree looks amazing, but I notice the thing that he was surely trying to compose in these pictures- a colorful bird sitting on one of benches._

_"Are these any good? I feel like I could've lain somehow different, I don't know, a different angle maybe or-"_

_"They are perfect", I cut him turning off the screen._

_He takes his phone back from me and hides it in the pocket of his jeans. I lean down a bit and kiss him on the cheek. That simple gesture has been recently one of my favorites. Maybe it's because of his soft skin. He's older, but it seems like his heart is younger than mine._

 

 

A small smile widens my lips when I touch the tree. Shadows play on the skin of my hand when breeze moves the benches over my head.

I turn my head to the left where my destination is, and despite the fear I decide to keep going.

The walk that once seemed to be taking a lot of time, now makes me feel like I made it in three minutes. When I stand in front of the door, I'm surprised how good I remember it. Apparently, my memory isn't about to let go.

 

"You have fifteen seconds to give me a reason to not to kill you. You're welcome."

"I called him yesterday."

It takes him only three second to turn from beige to white and then to red.

"It's actually the best reason for me to kill you right here and now. I won't even have to clear the floor as I do, because I'm gonna be gone for two hours. So if you don't want my neighbor to wipe you up from the ground, I suggest you go and never come back."

"You're gonna be gone?", I frown. Why don't I know anything about him being gone?

"I'm moving. And I feel like you should, too, unless you want _me_ to move you."

"Why? You loved this flat."

Can anyone tell me what I am _doing_?

"I think your fifteen seconds are gone", he says harshly and pushes the door in order to close them but I put my feet between it and the door frame.

"I think you need to know I'm sorry", I whisper looking at the floor. "I'm sorry", I repeat louder, still avoiding his eyes.

Tyler lets go of the doorknob and leans his body against the side of the door.

"Listen to me now, Troye Sivan. What you did to him is inhuman. You didn't even leave a single word for him. All he's got is your fucking black hoodie that he doesn't acknowledge I know he has it and this fucking CC beanie that you used to wear. That's all he's got left after you. Of course, if you don't count your scent in his flat that I hope is already gone due to the hundreds of times I secretly tried to cover with fresh air when I was opening doors and windows. And the hole in his heart. That's what he's got left. Pale skin. Visible bones. Unevenly bleeding heart. Empty eyes. Wide and sad smile. He's stuck in the state of his mind where he's looking for words as if he was in a silent movie. When he wants to talk about things other than his channel and stuff like Common Culture, he has to write down what he thinks, because the words just won't come out. Then he reads them and memorize, just to fuck up while trying to reel off. If you think you can fix this, then go. Go and prove me that you aren't as bad as I think you are. Prove me that you're more than a sharp knife in his ribs for him. Prove me wrong, Troye Sivan. And only when you do, we can talk again."

And he shuts the door leaving me with the echo of his voice.

 

 

_______

**ok, so it just happened and yeah.**

**still - don't judge me, English isn't my national/main language.**

**ily**


	3. (when you break) a pink rose

** CONNOR **

 

Making dinner is kind of one of my favorite things to do during a day. You have endless amount of options when it comes to food. Whatever your body desires, you can almost always have it. I can't say that everyone can buy a lobster or other thing that famous and rich people eat for unknown reason, but you can use your creativity to make your food look and taste in so manny different ways that it always amazes me. I like making my food look good, it proves me that we can find art in so many aspects of our lives.

The chicken breast looks colorful and practically cries for me to take a picture of it, but I am way too hungry to bother with being a photographer for now. Just when I am about to start eating, I hear the doorbell ringing.

After a short sigh and a few seconds of mumbling under my nose, I approach the front door and open it with my stomach growling. I really want this chicken. 

"Tyler?" I lift my eyebrows rather surprised that shocked since Tyler doesn't usually show up at anyone's house in the lunch time. "Something happened?", I ask as I see his rather concerned expression. 

"Can we- can we talk?" He doesn't look at me wandering with his glances everywhere but forward. 

"Sure, come in." I step back letting the boy in, and start turning around. "And, if you excuse me, I want to eat my lunch, I've been starving since yesterday."

"You sure have", he says in a quiet voice stifling his words with his hand.

"What?"

I hear the door being closed and his long sigh.

"Go eat first."

I wish I could shrug but his attitude makes me tense up and get ready for whatever's coming. Trying to figure out what I did to make him act this way I approach the table and sit on the chair that I left a few minutes ago. The chicken suddenly doesn't look as good as it did, but I start eating anyway.

"So what made you come here in the lunch time?", I ask after a few bites.

"You did." He shrugs.

"I did?" I frown still chewing the chicken. "I don't think I did anything to-"

"Let me correct myself", he cuts me waving his hand. "Your behavior did. You being an idiot did." 

"Wh-" 

"Why did you talk with him?"

For a few seconds I can't really understand what or who he is talking about, but then it hits me. And, oh boy, it hits me hard.

I choke on the bite I just took and barely manage to swallow it.

"How do you know?", I ask after a moment of that came after my coughs.

How? I don't remember telling him anything. By the way, _this_ happened literally a few hours ago, I haven't even talked to Ty since then.

"He told me."

"He _what_?" I freeze with my fork in the middle of its way to my mouth.

"He came to my apartment and kind of told me."

"How does he know where your new apartment is?" I look down at my plate and put away the fork.

"He doesn't. Just came to my old one, I was just turning my camera on and then he knocked. I can't say I wasn't surprised. And well, kinda pissed." Tyler leans forward a little bit connecting his hands together and watching his knuckles as they move under the skin.

I stare at him looking for some kind of hint of whatever happened, but my mind is only screaming Troye's name and echoes his words from the night, what doesn't really help me.

"What more did he say?"

"Actually, it was mostly me talking." He looks up at me and searches for my eyes that seem to can't sty still.

I glance around not knowing what I can focus on.

"So what did _you_ say?"

I decide to lay my hands on my eyes and rub them slightly, gladly welcoming the darkness that for now seems to be brighter and more colorful that reality.

"Listen, Connor." I hear him moving in his seat. "I can't make you not talk to him. Or make up with him. Or whatever you're up to. I will be here for you as you were for me, always. But be careful. Look after yourself first. Don't get hurt. Please, just don't get hurt again, Con. I know you still love him, and believe me, I am currently trying to figure out how to steal this hoodie you have on right now, but I know it wouldn't make any difference. Your heart isn't in his clothes left at your place nor in his scent. It's still _with him_. And I can't stop _neither_ of you. You're people, you think and feel, you are free and I am not the one to steal your freedom. Only promise me you won't get hurt."

He leaves me speechless for a few minutes filled up with our breathes- his long ones and my short and full of louder and louder sobs. I don't even know when I started to cry.

"It hurts already", I whisper wiping my nose.

"I know."

He stands up from his chair and approaches me. After a few seconds I find myself hugging him as if he was a ladder that would help me to get out of this hell.

"I've known that this would happen one day", he whispers putting his glasses on the table. "I don't know much, but I sure know one very important thing. That he loves you. But if he can't love you right, leave. You're worth much more."

 

**TROYE**

 

 **Jakey** : how r u doing?

good. having a walk. u?

 **Jakey** : just came back from the auditon. i'm in!

congrats, J! where is it?

 **Jakey** : in LA. CK fashion show, can u beliiiiiiiiv

CK?!

 **Jakey** : crazy, ik.

it is! when r u back?

 **Jakey** : idk, prob in 3 dayz. g2g, hotel service just brought the dinner

ok. ily

 **Jakey** : <3

 

I look up from my phone turning off the screen. I already forgot how good the streets look from this high. It was kind of an effort to climb on the branch I considered thick enough to hold me, but surely worth it. From the tree I can see Connor's new house. It's similar to the one he used to live in, but brighter and kinda emptier.

Weird. Foreign. Not the one that I know. Not the one that contained all these memories, bad and good ones. I wonder if the person who lives in his previous house acknowledges how many things happened in the living room, in the bathroom, bedroom, guest room, kitchen. Everywhere. Every inch in the house could tell a story if they could talk, but they can't and that means no story is going to be told.

It's kind of sad, but I guess it's better that way. Some things are better left unsaid, because it's enough for them to be engraved in our minds.

No matter how much we want to scream.

 

** CONNOR **

 

There's a silence between us but so many voices in my head. They are loud and begging me to let them out.

So I tell him. Even though I was telling him a lot of things, I haven't told him the most important ones.

I tell him how many times I was checking on Troye to see where he was in the moment.

I tell him how many times I was stalking fan accounts only to see if Troye's smiling enough because I wouldn't stand him being sad.

I tell him how many nights I have cried, though I don't know the number.

I tell him what I have in my closet.

I tell him about my dreams and wishes.

I tell him about us. First meeting, first words, first everything.

And he listens just as I once listened to him.

I fall asleep on his shoulder later.

 

** TROYE **

 

_i still remember the night  
_ _when i told you  
_ _the terryfying thing of mine_

_and just when i thought it was over_   
_(my head on your chest, we were lying on the bed in a hotel)  
_ _i almost told you  
_ _the most terrifying thing of mine_

_whispering  
_ _"goodnight"  
_ _i almost said  
_ _i love you_

 

Once I knew the words would fade one day, I laminated it to keep it in the way I'd gotten it. I never wanted these letter to fade away. I needed them always next tome and I couldn't just let them disappear. So I've had this laminated piece of paper for over two years, hidden under my phone case. Jacob doesn't know. Or he doesn't show he knows. Or doesn't care. It has no matter anymore.

I stopped crying over the poem a long time ago, I got used to it. I started smiling while reading it, sometimes a few times a day. But now I find myself close to tears. Time passes and teardrops evenly land on the plastic as if they were trying to measure the never and forever.

We were about to be forever and I made us stop somewhere in the middle.

I'm never gonna make this mistake again.

I hide the poem under the case and notice my reflection in the black screen. I see the sparkling roads that tears left behind and with no power to bother with wiping them away I just sigh and jump forward. The grass warmly welcomes my hands and toes as I land easily.

My phone buzzes when I start walking away from Connor's street.

 

 **Tilly:** if you break his broken heart, just remember I know more than your name.

 

I stop with a silent sigh and slid the phone back into the pocket in my jean jacket. The window of Starbucks reflects my slender body in dark shades and I don't think I've seen better and more honest reflection of myself in the last few weeks.

I got the poem in Brighton.

 

_I put my hand on his shoulder as he keeps staring at his reflection. He doesn't_ _react so I start massaging his soft skin tenderly. I wouldn't admit this if someone_ _asked now but I've missed him. Since he came out to me in San Francisco and left me in an awkward situation where I didn't know what he feels, what was that kiss and what were we._

_Were we- are we still friends? Do friends do what we do?_

_"I'm awful", he whispers rubbing his chest and stomach with his fingers._ _"Disgusting."_

_I catch his moving hands in mine wrapping my arms around his ribcage, and look in_ _the mirror. Two boys standing body by body, one scared and broken, the other sad_ _and worried. One close to tears, the other ready to wipe and kiss them away from_ _pink cheeks. One skinny, the other way too skinny._

_Having no idea how he's about to react, I hug him tangling our fingers and leaning_ _my chin on his shoulder. I just take the risk._

_"Why do you think so?", I whisper looking into his reflected eyes as he doesn't_ _stop examining his half naked body._

_"I just- Just look at this." His voice breaks a bit but he manages to keep talking._ _"Or don't. Even I can't look at myself, so I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't_ _want, too."_

_"Connor." I swallow the thing that is blocking my words, because they are getting louder and louder, and I just can't hold them anymore. Right now, I put everything on this one card._ _"For me you are just like a pink rose. So beautiful. Fragile. Magnetic. But as_ _soon as I would try to approach and touch you, you would turn out to have thorns._ _You were unreachable. I knew I had no chance and I could only admire you from afar._ _Now, that I think I have a chance, I am willing to take the risk. You're beautiful._ _You're nothing short of amazing. And I want you to know that I- I love you. I've_ _loved you for_ months _. I love your eyes, I love when they become brighter or darker,_ _depends on what you're thinking. I love this scar that you loath so much. I love_ _your hands and skin, which I would be kissing inch by inch for as long as you'd let_ _me. I love the way your collarbones are visible and making me feel like I can die_ _if I don't get the opportunity to touch them. I love_ you _. All of you. I'm sorry_ _if it's too soon for you, I just need you to know you're loved by more people than_ _you think."_

_I only know he cries again when his tears slip into my mouth as we kiss, his head turned to his left just to let his lips reach mine._

 

** TYLER **

 

When it ends, it's sad. It's bad, it's destroying.

When it ends unexpectedly, it's like a shot. Like a stab right in the heart.

You wonder. You think. You overthink, you don't sleep. You fall asleep during day, leaning on your table in the kitchen or with your hand under your chin when you're sitting on your favorite chair. Your favorite. Not _his_.

You want to move on, but something still holds you back. Insomnia doesn't go away, so you keep on not sleeping.

When you miraculously fall asleep at night, you wake up at lest four times because of nightmares.

You question.

You need. You still love.

You miss. You're getting hurt.

You don't talk if not necessary.

You wait for the moment when it gets better.

There's nothing romantic in the end.

There's nothing romantic in a lack of sleep, liters of tears, tens of unwashed sweaters, tons of sleeping pills.

There's nothing romantic the the way Connor's breaths are breaking in his sleep while his sobs make his body treble.  
  
  


____

_**here I am with another thing considered 'chapter'. I don't even know where it's heading. but I know I need to write the last chapter for my polish blog, but the only thing that is in my mind is youtube and Connor. send help, please.** _

_**I'm sorry for any typos or grammar mistakes. I write it while having classes. (yeah, I am productive as f.)** _


	4. blue a.m.

 

**CONNOR**

 

"You stayed with me?"

These are my first words after I've opened my eyes and seen Tyler above me.

"Yeah, Con, that's what friends do." He smiles, combing my hair with his fingers.

I sigh rubbing my eyes with my hands, that seem to be puffy due to the sobs I'd let out before I fell asleep.

Feeling intensively numb I decide on staying in the current position.

I look up at Tyler. I only now notice how much he's grown up. He's more mature, more manly than child-like-looking, and even though his smile and laugh are as wide and loud as always, his eyes are sadder and bigger. He sees more, he wants more, he lives more and more. He's all _more_. The only thing that reminds me about the first time we met are his hair, messy and styled into his usual quiff, and happy but concerned expression on his face.

He hasn't changed, but yet he's changed a lot.

I wonder if he cannot recognize himself in the mirror as I can't recognize myself.

"I'm sorry if I ruined your day or something", I murmur.

"No problem. You can pay me back by making some dinner, boy, because my tummy needs it like in the very moment." He winks to me, and I can actually hear his stomach growling silently. "See?"

I roll my eyes and turn my head to the side where the window is.

"What time is it?", I ask.

"Like seven thirty."

"I suggest we go out and eat something. A bit of fresh air would do great to me."

We don't talk much this night. We waves me goodbye as he disappears behind the door of his new flat.

I call myself a taxi.

Then I call my mom.

There's a silence between us after she picks up.

"You seem to have lost hope, Con da bon", she says.

"I haven't, mom. I'm just really tired."

 

**TROYE**

 

_I turn him around to be able to kiss him properly._

_I feel his tears on my tongue, I wipe them away from his cheeks with my lips. I_ _feel his body trembling._

Life hits hard, I know.

_He resists slightly pulling back a little bit when I lick his lower lip begging for_ _letting me in._

All your lights are red, but I'm green to go.

_I'm so close to breaking into sobs that I need to shut my eyes in order to stop the_ _liquid filling up under my eyelids._ _I only saw him this broken once and I really have hoped I'd never see him like this_ _again._

_He's always seem to be too happy for this life and I can't decide whether I like to_ _know the reason why or not._

Used to see you high, now you're only low.

_He lets me in, kisses me harder, tugs me by my waist, leans on the mirror. Its cold_ _surface doesn't seem to bother him when he presses his back to it._

All your lights are red but I'm green to go.

_I still feel the taste of his tears and no matter what's gonna happen this night, I_ _want to make sure he'll never get hurt again. I want to make sure his life will_ _never be made of a grey scale and scents of blood anymore._

I want you, I'll colour me blue,

_He pushes me, step by step we approach the bed. I pull him down with me when I fall_ _on the white duvet. He catches my wrists in his hands and pins them upon my head._ _His eyes shine like diamonds when they meet with mine, his gaze lost and wild._

anything it takes to make you stay.

_He studies me from the top to my chest hidden under the fabric of my favorite pink_ _sweater._

Only seeing myself when I'm looking up at you.

_Do friends do what we do?_

I can't say no,

_"What are you doing?", I whisper when he leans down to peck my lips._

_"What are_ you _doing?", he asks._

though the lights are on, there's nobody home.

_"I love you, Connor Franta."_

Swore I'd never lose control,

_He smiles. His eyes start to water again, but he smiles. Honestly, widely and it's_ _the most beautiful smile I have ever seen._

then I fell in love with a heart that beats so slow.

_"I love you, Troye Mellet."_

I know you're seeing black and white,

_"Let me make you feel beautiful, will you, my little rose?"_

so I'll paint you a clear blue sky.

_He nods and kisses me. It's like feeling a butterfly tickling my lips but it shoots_ _my nerves harder that a shot from a gun. I deepen the kiss and after a few seconds_ _it's me covering his half naked body and protecting him from the world's eyes._

Without you I am colour-blind.

_I kiss and touch every inch of him, hear every breath, feel every tremble, water his_ _skin with my own tears that found a way to get away from my eyes._

It's raining every time I open my eyes.

_"It's gonna hurt."_

_"The only thing that would really hurt would be you going away."_

_"I won't."_   
  


_I've forgotten the world doesn't allow promises._   
  


**CONNOR**

 

He's sitting leaning on my front door, his eyes closed, his body hidden in the shade of the night. The light from the lamps standing across the street creates bright patterns on the skin of his face and on the fabric of his sweater. He trembles, the cold air seemingly getting under his clothes.

I crouch in front of him and eye his worried expression. He's dreaming a bad dream, but I don't find myself bothering about it. Not yet.

I breathe his presence not really believing he's real. I haven't seen him in so long. Too long.

He looks worse than on the pictures I've seen so far. His skin is grayer, violet shades under his eyes are more visible, his hair messy and lips dry. But his still skinny frame is stronger, more manly and more mature. 

"Connor?" His eyelids fly open, he looks at me sadly. "I didn't mean to fall asleep, sorry." 

I only nod while he stands up. The heat of his heart warms me up in the way it once did and I smile at it.

Should we be like this? So casual?

He seems to be confused by my smile as he examines my face probably looking for any sign of anger.

"Are you coming?", I ask as I open my door and hide the key in the pocket of my jacket.

I hear his steps after me when I walk into the kitchen. The watch on the wall shows eleven in the afternoon, but I turn on the coffee machine anyways.

"Can I have- I mean-"

"The usual?", I cut him looking back at him sitting by the table.

He nods.

Minutes pass, and finally we're sitting on the other sides of the couch facing each other. He sips his beverage, his long, bony fingers tight around the cup. If it weren't for the last year, it would feel like nothing's even changed. The coffee heats up my throat.

He looks at me, I look at him, no words coming out from our mouths but surprisingly it's me who speaks up first.

"It's been a long time, huh?" I smile looking at the half drunk liquid. "I admit I am scared I don't know how to talk to you anymore. I am scared you changed."

"I will never change for you, Connor Franta."

"Can we put the talk on hold?"

And no matter how weird slash odd it looks and sound, without a word we just finish drinking our coffees, we go change (I borrow him my shirt and sweat pants), we lie down on my bed and I fall asleep in his arms. There's no nightmare coming for me that night.  
  


_Do you still have your earphones on the whole day?  
_

_Do you still listen to your music loud enough that it worries others?  
_

_Is your phone still on silent like it used to be?  
_

_Is blue still your favourite color or has is changed by a few shades?  
_

_Do you listen to those godawful loud songs that never made sense for me without the_ _lyrics?  
_

_Do you remember the day we met?  
_

_Do you remember how?  
_

_Do you still make those punny jokes?  
_

_Does the vastness of the Universe still scare you?*_

 

**TROYE**

 

It's three forty in the morning, as his watch on the nightstand shows, and I am high from the scent of his body cuddled into mine. He's gotten skinnier. I feel his ribs under my fingers as I tenderly rub them under his shirt.

It's three forty in the morning and I can't sleep, the sun still hidden, the sounds behind the window audible but muffled.

It's three fifty in the morning and my eyes give up again. I don't want to lose the sight.

It's four in the morning and I fall asleep again.

It's eight in the morning and I wake up, his body turned so he's facing me, his fingers on my arm, his eyes half closed.

 

_"Tyler?"_

_I close the door behind me._

_"Troye Sivan, what's up?"_

_He doesn't see the car leaving._

_"I'm sorry to say that- I don't really- uh."_

_Get your shit together, Mellet._

_"What's wrong, boy? You know you can tell me everything."_

_"I know, it's just really hard. I-" I genuinely try to turn my problem with lying_ _into trying to seem shattered and brokenhearted. And I hate myself for this._

_"Something like this never happened to me before and- It's about Connor."_

_"Connor?" I can see him making up his glasses and the wrinkles appearing on his_ _nose as he does so. I can see him standing in his living room with messed up hair_ _for it's late afternoon. But I can't see him being lied to by me. I have never lied_ _to him. "What happened to Connor? Is he hurt?"_

_I look at the window on my left side._

_"I wouldn't say that."_ But he's going to be. I'm sorry. _"In fact, it's me who's_ _hurt."_

_I'm close to tears and words refuse to come out from my throat._

_Liar. Liar. Liar._

_I stare at the leaving car until it disappears._

_"T, what-"_

_"He cheated on me." As soon as these words leave my lips and fly away just to land_ _on Tyler's ears, I feel like I am being stabbed. Hole by hole my body begins to_ _hurt, tears fill up under my eyelids, and I start trembling._

_"He what?" For a few seconds there's a silence between us, but he start to chuckle_ _lightly but unsure. "Nice prank, Troye-boy, but-"_

_"It's not a prank." Another stab. I close my eyes. "I saw him with another guy, he-_ _it looked like they've known each other, like it wasn't the first time. I'm just on_ _my way to your house, I don't want to get back there anymore."_

_I'm so sorry, Connor._

_I hate myself, too._

_But it's all for you._

 

It's eight ten in the morning and he cries looking me in the eye. 

It's eight twelve in the morning and he smiles, the space between us getting smaller.

 

It's eight thirteen in the morning when I feel his lips on mine and the time doesn't matter anymore.  
  


_____

***(via theprocast / tumblr)**

**I actually hate myself. I wrote this while having philosophy and social pathology** **classes and listening to the history of prostitution, and narcotics, and Emmanuel** **Kant, and other shit.**

**I must add that I remember everything from the classes. I guess I should be** **grateful for my ability to somehow be capable of learning fast.**


	5. coffees and keys

**______________________**

**CONNOR**

 

Us.

It's us now, and it feels good.

Somebody would say that it's wrong, that I shouldn't, that we shouldn't, but it's not what life is about. It's about catching moments, because they happen once in a lifetime, and what if I'd never get a chance like this anymore?

His breath drums in my ears calming my mind like the sound of waves crashing on a shore. The place I live in finally feels like home, the empty walls and white rooms seem to be getting colored while the taste of his lips brings me back to life.

He may be gone in a minute, but right now I am with him, and it's all I needed.

It's funny how the bed doesn't seem to be too big anymore.

"Hi, little rose", he whispers with a smile when our lips disconnect and our gazes meet. His very own ocean sparkles like crazy, and oh, how I missed the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes.

"Hi."

His bony fingers caress the skin on my cheek and wander to the neck where he places his palm. My hands slowly back to my pillow, I wrap it with my fists.

"It's probably the first time in months I can honestly say _good morning_ and mean it." He smiles, but the tear escaping his eye betrays him just as soon as he does.

It falls on the grey material causing a small black stain on the fabric.

I don't count minutes but after a while he speaks up again.

"You're staring."

"I'd say sorry, but I'm not."

"You used- you did that very often, you know?" He smiles again shoving his hands under his head and leaving my neck exposed to coldness.

For a few seconds I think about what to say, but I quickly jump into a simple conclusion.

_Life waits for no one._

"You see", I start with a whisper, "every time I looked at you without a word, I thought. I thought about words that would be good enough to say them but I could never find myself speaking them out loud. You would notice it and smirk _what_?, but the words just didn't get to be said. You didn't know that I just appreciated you. I admired you so much that words would never be good enough. I was staring, watching. Watching the sunlight kissing your skin in the morning or you sitting on the beaches where you would get stuck in the moment while looking at the sun diving in the water. I was watching the way your hair curled up in the after rain weather. I was watching you looking through a random window, you had a thing for this. You were able to look at the world through the glass for so long that I started considering our dates as your dates with windows." I laugh disconnecting our eyes. I roll on the bed so that I face the ceiling. "And I never said a word. I kinda regret it, you know? I always tell myself to not regret, but there are things that I just wish that had happened. I regret not telling you how beautiful you looked or how much I loved the coffee taste on your lips. I wish I had told you so many things." And he looks at me. Tears no longer shine in his eyes. "Your hair is longer."

** TROYE **

Having said no word, I end up with him in his kitchen. The over sized shirt he's wearing as pyjamas hangs on him more that it used to.

I sit on the couch with knees pulled to my chest while he's making coffee.

"You seem to feel very at home."

I feel myself blushing.

He's right. I didn't choose a chair. I didn't choose asking him where I can sit. I didn't choose standing by his side while he'd be making our coffees just to sit with him wherever he'd lead us. But I don't say a word. I only patiently wait for him listening to the sound of the coffee machine and breathing the scent that I only now realize that I'm wearing on me. I pull up the collar of the t-shirt and inhale its smell.

"Here".

Connor sits next to me standing two cups on the small table. I smile at the sight of my cup for the second time in the last twenty four hours.

 _My cup_.

"You kept it", I say looking at him and letting go of the fabric. "After all. You kept it."

Con only rubs the back of his head with his hand with his gaze stuck somewhere in the space in front of him.

We drink our beverages slowly in a silence broken only by the ticking of the clock hanging in front of us, our breaths, and sips. Time passes, and I look at the black drops left on the bottom of the cup circling it on my knees.

"Say something."

I turn my head so I can see him putting his empty cup on the coffee table. "I don-"

"Anything."

I sigh standing my cup right next to his one.

For a moment we just sit there with a little space between us in the exact same position. Knees pulled up, arms around them, heads leaned on the backs of hands.

"Connor, I-", I try but sigh just right after the first word. "What do you want me to say?"

"Be honest." He shrugs. "Tell me the truth. Bend and break me. Leave shattered and empty. Not almost empty or filled up with you. Empty. So I can start over. Don't look at me like there is tomorrow. Tear me apart and put me back together using gloves so I won't remember your touch and scent."

I don't mention that I love his lyrical kind of talking.

"What if I told you that there _is_ tomorrow?"

He turns his head to me and I don't dare to look at him. I feel his eyes on me, it doesn't last long 'til he stands up and starts walking away from the couch.

"I'll wash the cups. You can leave now."

 _No_.

I almost jump but in a split of second I'm right behind Connor with my hand on his wrist.

"I'm not leaving unless we talk."

"But it's you who doesn't talk", he hisses trying to escape from my grip. I let him but only to step in front of him and put my hands on his shoulders.

"Because I can't!", I almost scream. He avoids looking at me bending his head down. "I can't say anything that would make sense, you know? You have no idea what's going on in my mind! I keep biting my tongue because I shouldn't even be here for Jacob's sake, but you know what? Fuck him! Fuck him hard! I keep biting my tongue in order to not to ask you how have you been, because I know you've been bad! I keep my mouth shut to never tell you how much I've fucking missed you! I have my lips sewn together because all I want is to scream that I love you and I wish you could forgive me!"

I clench my teeth when Connor finally looks at me, dead in the eye. Tears are running on his cheeks slowly and I wish I could wipe them away, but I only back up letting go of his shoulders.

"He probably wonders where you are", he says crossing his arms on his chest.

"You didn't hear me, right?" I let out a chuckle. "Were you listening to me, Connor?"

"Of course I was."

"I walked away." I swallow slowly tugging my hair and rubbing hot temples. "I was standing next to you- _you, the light sleeper_ -putting so much effort in not waking you up. I wanted to scream, cry or glue myself to the floor so I'd never go away, to wake you up and shout at you to tell me to stay, but I couldn't! I couldn't then. Emma packed my things to her car and drove away and I just stood for a while in front of your front door convincing myself that it was all for you and you'd be alright and happier. I didn't want you to be _unhappy_ with me keep travelling and staying whole days in the studio. So my choice was to just leave you with no word, because I knew that you were able to convince me to stay without even speaking up." I walk two steps to the wall on my left side and lean on it. "I chose to be _the hero_. I chose my way that turned out to be a tragedy. I didn't want to lose you. But I did without realizing it. And then it was too late. Standing by Jacob's side I thought- I thought that maybe that's how life is. One day the one you love is beside you, and the next everything goes to shit and all you can do is stare. That's what I thought. I was staring. Jacob isn't bad. He's a good friend." I smile looking at Connor. The expression on his face doesn't change. "You'd like him. He's funny, artsy, we can talk for hours. But I don't love him. And he doesn't love me. You have no idea how hard it is to overact your ass just to make everyone around feel like you're happily in love with someone who doesn't even know how to make a _damn coffee_ in the morning and doesn't keep you own mug in the counter above the coffee machine."

Connor laughs.

I kid you not.

He _laughs_  through tears and looks at me kindly. _Kindly_.

"So the key to your heart is to keep your mug and ability to make a coffee?"

"Nope." I chuckle. Just as if I didn't run out of breath because od the amount of spoken words. "You're the key."

And just like that I feel his warm and salty lips on mine. It's a quick peck but he's close. His breath mixing up with mine. I lean forward a little bit just to lightly rub his nose with mine, kiss its tip. Kiss his eyelids feeling his lashes trembling when he closes his eyes. I seek for his hands and tangle our fingers together.

His attitude is trying to prove me that he's calm but his heart, the little traitor, is screaming like crazy and I can feel his blood running fast and hot. I pull our linked hands up to kiss his knuckles and then our eyes meet.

I bet I could see my reflection in his watered irises but I don't want to look at myself, I want to look at him. Embrace in every way possible.

I caress the porcelain skin of his cheek with my own one listening to his sharpened breath.

He trembles.

I shush to his ear, earning only more trembling and a silent purr.

 _Oh boy_ , you have no idea.

"It hurt", I whisper to his ear. "Leaving you, it hurt like hell. It took me every bit of my strength to leave."

He purrs again. Like literally.

Damn it. _Boy_.

"I've gotten weak. _You_  were my strength. Maybe that's why."

He pulls away a little and I meet his gaze for a split second just to see the forest disappearing under the curtain made from dark lashes, and he kisses me. "I missed you."

"Oh, god."

I missed you, too.

The kiss feels like tears and raindrops, but it's warm and tender just like I remember it always was.

I separate our hands just to slid mine under the fabric of his t-shirt and put on his hipbones, now so easy to feel under the touch. His breath shakes when he breaks the kiss, short waves of air hitting my slightly opened lips. Seeing him losing his balance I stoop down and pick him up quickly laughing at his short gasp.

"Got you", I murmur sinking my nose into the space between his ear and the side of his neck.

I start walking wondering if it's him having gotten so much skinnier or me being a bit stronger. The mental debate ends up in the moment we both fall on the duvet warmed up by sun rays.

Straddling him I keep the eye contact in order to stop whenever I see him wanting me to.

But he lets me hold his hands over his head when I kiss his forehead, his cheeks, eyes, lips and start wandering down his neck.

So fragile.

So soft.

So beautiful.

"My little rose." I let go of his hands just to comb his messy short hair. "When I named you that, I forgot that roses have thorns. But you know what? I'll embrace each one of them. I'll let them make me bleed. _My little pink rose",_ I sing.

He's breathtaking like that. With his eyes shining in the light of the sun rising and welcoming the day, with his hair messed a little bit, with his pale skin and lips parted and showing white teeth, with his arms lifted over his head and palms opened, with the gray t-shirt crumpled and frankly unnecessary.

I kiss him shortly and start pulling up the shirt. His exposed ribs seem to be able to break down under the slightest touch. The piece of clothing lands on the floor quickly being joined by my one.

I lean down and connect our lips. Skin to skin, I feel his chest rising and falling in an uneven rhythm.

My hands slowly wander up and down his sides. I rest my left elbow on the duvet just to get an access to his back which he quickly arches. I find his spine and let my fingers to slide along its length, and then I start drawing unknown patterns on the heated up skin.

I break the kiss in the moment when my finger tips reach the rim of his sweatpants. In order to ask for permission I open my mouth, but he laugh sweetly and closes them with his trembling lips again.

I smile through the kiss feeling the endless happiness and desire filling me up.

 _Carefree_. I haven't felt like this for such a long time.

It's been months.

"I've been looking for you everywhere", I whisper kissing his jawline. "In every place I went to." His breath shudders as I lick along the side of his neck. "In every person I met. Finding you only in my dreams. But now you're here", I whisper with my lips over his visible breastbone. "You're here."

"And you're here, too."

Happiness.

Understanding.

Honesty.

Love.

Safety.

He's so many things yet he's so little and breakable.

I lift myself back to his lips and kiss the shortly. He catches my gaze, his eyes still shining. I peck his nose, and he laughs again. How beautiful his laugh rings in my ears and echoes in my heart.

"I'm here, yes."

He lifts up his hands from above his head and places them on my face, thumbs caressing the skin under my eyes.

" _Love me_ , Troye Sivan."

"With pleasure."

He moves his hands to my hips and pulls me down so our chests touch and tremble with our hearts beating too fast to be considered normal. He leaves goosebumps everywhere his palms wander, making my body obey him like never before. And even though I'm the one above, I know I'm his just right now. That if he stops, I might break. That if he moves away, I'll fall to pieces.

I feel his fingers drawing down the fabric of my shorts which are the only thing that covers my erection, mostly failing and leaving it evident. Well, at least I'm not alone in this situation, which I know right in the moment he shoots his hips up. His gasp rebounds on my lips, but he doesn't break the eye contact so I notice the mist bursting into his irises as the lust visibly emitting from his gaze.

I draw a line with the tip of my nose along his jawline inhaling his scent. Always the same. Coffee, shower gel and just _him_.

He laughs when both of our pants land on the floor.

He smiles when my fingers slowly wander down his chest, lower and lower.

He gasps when I start moving my hand up and down on his length.

Shallow breaths, bodies covered in sweat shining in the morning sunlight, nothing between us.

He's so intelligibile perfect.

I don't deserve him.

But I have my chance right here and now, a chance to live my life in the way I want to, a chance to be with him carelessly, and if this is the moment I'll remember for the rest of my life, I'm willing to do all it takes to not waste it.

I let myself take the picture I see, saving it for the rainy day.

The picture of his face in the color of the lightest sand, of his cheeks sprinkled with pink stains, of the forest of his eyes, of these twelve freckles on the bridge of his nose I loved to count every day, of his lips widened in the most beautiful smile.

The empty room echoes our breaths and gasps, it echoes Connor's whisper when he tells me where I can find what we need, it echoes our giggles when I peck his nose joyfully.

Hiss.

Our movements are even, our heartbeats find the same rhythm, our fingers are tangled and tightened over Connor's head and pressed into the duvet.

Laughs, moans, whispers.

His gasps.

My happiness.

 _Our_  moment. _Our_  time. _Our_  eternity shrunken into a small amount of minutes.

It's the first time in months that I _make love_ and not just _have sex_.

_but I see a lighthouse in the distance calling my name_

_but I can't get there 'til I go through all of this pain_

** CONNOR **

"You amaze me, Connor Franta. Do you really think that leaving him in your home alone was a good idea?"

"Why not? It's not like he's a robber or something."

"What if he was?"

"Tyler."

"What?"

"I-"

"Good morning, may I take your order?"

"You can take me, if you want", responds Tyler quickly noticing the waiter standing by our table. "And we'd like two cappuccinos, one with extra shot of espresso, the other with double milk."

The man doesn't seem to be moved by Tyler's words. He only nods his head and walks away. I lie my arms down on the table and rest my chin on them. "You don't even know if he's gay."

"Don't you _dare_ come for me, Connie Frannie."

I sigh.

"Troye's not a robber."

"What I mean, Connor, is what the hell are you even doing?" Tyler leans back in his chair looking at me skeptically from behind his glasses.

"Let's pretend I have an answer for this question." I shrug avoiding his gaze. "Listen, you know me. I'm not even sorry for picking up the phone yesterday's night and talking to him. I'm not sorry for letting him into my house. I'm not even gonna pretend that I'm sorry for sleeping with him this morn-"

"You did _what_?!"

I look up at him and honestly, his half scared half surprised expression doesn't make any impression on me.

"Tyler. Since he left, every morning I've been waking u in an empty bed. Every morning I've been looking at my reflection in the fucking mirror. And guess what I've seen?" I sit straight in my seat putting my hands into the pockets of my hoodie. "Somebody who had been hurt. As hell. And this hurting has stuck to me like a fucking tattoo. I've seen a boy- a man, for fucks sake, with his heart lost and belonged to nobody. I've seen a trapped person with no key to lock the cage. And he's the key. I don't want to try to _survive_  day by day. I want to _live_. Don't you get it?"

"Ok, let's presume he loves you like he did and he wants to be with you." Tyler rubs his eyes with his fingers and fixes the glasses on his nose. "But what about Jacob?"

"Well. Let's pretend I also have an answer for this question."

"Two cappuccinos, please." The waiter's voice interrupts our conversation. The man stands our drinks in front of us, somehow managing to guess which drink belongs to whom, and smiles. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No, thank you", I answer seeing that Tyler has already turned on his seductive mode.

The man nods his head and turns to his right side where a girl calls him. When he's out of the picture, Tyler lets out a chuckle.

"What's so funny?", I ask frowning. I stoop forward and rest my elbows on the table starting to sip my beverage. This is when I notice a small piece of paper lying on the table under the cup that Tyler hold in the air. "What's this?"

Ty takes the paper with his fingers and in a split of second his face widens in a huge grin. "A phone number, my dear."

"Dude", I say starting to write random words on a napkin with a pen that I found on my way to the bar.

"Did you just say _dude_?"

"Did not."

"I thin-" His sentence gets cut by my ringtone that I made for unknown numbers. "Is this _Bad Romance_?"

"Can you _not_?" I roll my eyes pulling out my phone from the same pocket that I just slid off my hands. "Who the hell is that?"

The unknown number blinks on the screen kind of terrifying me. I don't like unknown numbers.

"Hallo?" I say looking at Tyler who only shrugs and writes up the number into his phone.

" _Hi. Is this Connor?_ "

"Um. Yes?" I glance at the short poem written on the gentle fabric. The font isn't impressing.

" _Hi. Jacob's here. Jacob Bixenman_."

_i was_

_down_

_but_

_never_

_out_

**_______**

**over 3600 words, Jesus  ._.**

**I'm not really pleased with this chapter. I mean, it lacks usual 'memories'. But I'll make it up for you in another update.**

**Guess who's waiting for Connor to hopefully announce a book tour in Europe?**

**ily**

**_(I think I corrected all the typos but if there are any mistakes, please let me know)_ **

**(the picture source: instagram)**


	6. jacob

** ______________ **

** CONNOR  
**

 

"Jacob Bixenman?"

I hear Tyler's phone being dropped on the table.

"Fuck", he whispers picking it up and polishing it with the napkin, while I try to swallow the lump growing in my throat.

"Yeah. I really hope you're Connor Franta, I don't like making a fool of myself", he laughs lightly.

"It's me, don't worry", I chuckle, but it kinda turns into a muffled scream. I can feel Tyler's eyes on me, but I refuse to look up and instead I glue my gaze to the table. "To what do I owe this call?", I ask after a moment of silence.

"I, uhm-", he coughs visibly uncomfortable. "Troye's not home, he left no note, but I found his phone on the table. And the last out-coming call was to you, so I figured-", he sighs. I can easily imagine him rubbing his eyebrows, while I'm sitting here with my heart beating wildly and sweaty hands. "Do you know where he is? I worry about him."

As much as I would like to say bad things about him, he genuinely sounds worried. But not like   _my lover's gone, call the police_   worried. More like   _my friend went home on his own after party yesterday and he didn't call, have you heard something from him?_  worried.

But still.

He's got a nice voice, though.

"I- I'm actually at cafe with a friend, so sorry, no idea where he could be." A white lie. Not dangerous, right?

_Fuck you, Franta_. I feel like the most dedicated fan of myself.

Ok. I was just thinking- Never mind. Uhm-" He falls silent and the seconds seem to last years. When I'm about to speak up, he coughs. "This is awkward."

Yeah, your current boyfriend and I had sex this morning. I guess it's not the best moment to annunciate this exciting news.

"It shouldn't be", I answer instead. _Wow, Connor, don't go crazy_.

"Probably not", he titters silently. "Ok, so that's all. Have a nice day. And, Connor?

"Yeah?" _He knows, he knows, he knows_.

"Why did he even call you in the first place?"

"He, uh-" I finally look up at Tyler since his gaze seems to be burning a hole in my body. He's half curious, half near to laugh out loud. "He clicked the wrong number. I didn't even have a chance to pick up the phone."

Do I really think this answer is convincing enough?

Apparently.

"Oh, okay. So, yeah. Bye."

"Have a nice day! Bye."

"So nice of you", says Tyler as soon as I put down my phone. " _Have a nice day!_ "

"Fuck off." I roll my eyes, but in reality I am burning from the inside. I jump off the chair drinking my beverage in the same time.

"Where are you going?", asks Tyler sipping his cappuccino.

"Home." I shrug and put on my jacket.

"I told you all of this was wrong."

"It wasn't wrong, Tyler. Call the waiter", I add and turn around.

"You said he may not be gay!", Ty calls after me.

"You thought I wasn't gay, too! Surprise!"

"Go away, Tate!"

 

** TROYE **

 

_One day, it's gonna be a history. A memory. A photograph, an old picture that_ _someone will look at with some kind of expression on their face. Will they_ _smile? Will they say something? If so, then what? Will they feel tears filling_ _up?_

This _, that is to say_ now _, to say_ us _. After_ us  _only memories and_ _pictures will be left behind. We'll be office workers, sellers, police_ _officers, inventors of a chinese takeaway flavored chewing gum. We'll be_ _parents, grandparents, great-grandparents._

_But_ now _-_ Now _is not a history. It's_ happening _. I_ am  _here looking at his_ _mellow face, he's breathing evenly. He's so hard to describe._

_Beautiful? It's so run-of-the-mill._

_Wonderful? Too fairy-tale._

_Amazing? Sounds like Marvel._

_He's Connor, he's himself. Mine. Is he mine?_

_This is the moment when I know it's not yet a history, because I'm lying here_ _with a beating heart, studying his skin and smiling at the sun's rays dancing_ _on his cheeks._

The  _moment._

_The moment I wish it wouldn't end._

_I wish I could always feel this way._

_Careless._

_I see a slight movement of his eyelids, I lean down a bit and kiss his_ _forehead nestled into my shoulder._

_"Hi", I whisper._

_Connor opens his eyes, blinks a few times and when he lifts his head up he_ _finally meets my gaze with his. He opens his mouth, but there's no sound_ _coming out from them, so he closes them back._ _The thing is, the boy's eyes tell more than words would articulate._ _These eyes say he's trying to believe in what's happening and what's happened._

_And so am I._ _We're too unreal._

(Don't leave me _.)_

_"It was easier when I was younger", he says, his voice muffled, as he lies his_ _head back on my chest. "Life. I was told to do things. So I got lost and fell_ _deep down when I left home. Trying so hard not to sink."_

_In response I immerse my nose and fingers into his messed up hair, my arms_ _holding his fragile body that one would consider strong and independent, the_ _body of someone who has their life figured and keeps amity with their own mind_ _and heart._

_Little do we all know._

_"Troye?"_

_I hum in reply._

_"I'm tired. I'm so tired."_

_"Sleep then, my boy."_

_"Can you sing something, please?"_

_"Of course."_

_I move so I can bring out my body from under his one, and I lie on my right_ _side resting my elbow on the pillow and head on my hand. Connor nestles_ _himself into the soft fabric and looks at me with eyes green and sleepy. He_ _closes both of them when I smile at him and start to stroke his hair with my_ _fingers._

_"_ I could be the one to give you all I am

with a gentle touch and a foolish love.

You could be the one to carry all my troubles away

with the words you say, all I need to hear.

So sleep, baby, sleep, what are you waiting for? _" *_

_The morning's on its way_  
_You know it's only just a dream_  
_oh sleep baby sleep_  
_I lie next to yo_   


_The beauty of this mess is that it brings me close to you_

 

_"Morning, sweetheart!"_

_"Hi, Ty."_

_I sit on the couch next to the boy and lean back, resting the occiput on his_ _shoulder._ _I feel light yet exhausted, however, my consciousness doesn't seem to be_ _coequal to my body and hits me with memories from the night like a machine_ _gun._

_Lips, hands, tangled fingers, skin covered in sweat, whispers, half-cries,_ _names said out loud, laughs and moans._

_With a silent sigh I look up at Tyler feeling his burning gaze on me._

_"Had a crazy night, huh?", he asks with a smirk. His eyes are shining with_ _pure joy and even though it's morning, whereas he hates mornings, he seems to_ _be very awaken. "Do you have something to tell me?"_

_"It was me who stole your pink underwear. You know, this one with yellow_ _pigs?" I joke, but he seems unimpressed. "Let's pretend I don't know you heard_ _us", I say rolling my eyes. It doesn't really stop my cheeks from getting more_ _and more red._

_"I wish I hadn't, Troye Sivan."_

_We laugh jauntily as I turn my head to position myself more comfortably._

_"I actually can't believe this happened", I speak up after a short moment of_ _listening to the news playing on the TV._

_"I cannot believe this happened this late", he responds with a shrug._

_"What do you mean?" I frown._

_"I want you to promise me something."_

_"If it's about the food in your fridge, I can't make any vows."_

_"Troye." His voice is firm like probably never before._

_I straighten up and sit cross-legged looking at Ty curiously. He turns his_ _head so that his eyes meet mine._

_Sometimes I hate him for being able to get this serious. It's not like I don't_ _like him being stern, it's just that when he gets this way he says things that_ _really make sense. Then he leaves you kinda speechless and forced to think_ _about stuff you wanted to forget or take a rain check on._

_"I'm all ears."_

_"That I know. Either way you wouldn't have gotten into the music world."_

_"I hate your ability to keep up with two conversations in the same time." I_ _sigh._

_"Be patient with him", he says and takes off his glasses. He begins wiping_ _them with his shirt. "I've seen more of him than you. So far. The future_ _surely will make you two closer and you'll know each other better that you_ _know yourselves. But. There will be days when you will find him curled up like_ _a cat or hidden under ten blankets. Be patient with him. He's more damaged_ _than he appears. He's got slight depression, not once I saw him throwing_ _things in a mirrors, not once I heard him crying himself to sleep. He's been-"_ _He presses his lips together. "He's in love. And in love, sooner or later,_ _something goes wrong. And if you work out this_ wrong _, you'll work out_ _everything." He puts on the glasses and looks at me with a smile that's_ _equally sad and happy, no matter how unreal it sounds. "Tell him all the good_ _things. He needs to be reminded everyday that he's worth the best in this_ _world. Can you promise me that?"_

 

The walls are so white it hurts. The shelves are almost empty, only necessary things are standing on them crying for a company. The house is tidy, but somehow messy. It's in the way the stuff are kind of thrown on their places, just as if they weren't meant to be in the places they are. Accidentaly put wherever possible.

The only place that has a heart is the kitchen. The coffee machine is shining, clearly well cared for.

I end my little apartment tour putting the empty mug on the table, and sit on the couch. So different from the one that Jacob has in his flat.

Jacob.

"You said everything was going to be okay!" I hear the door being slammed. " _From now on_  it was going to be okay! But guess what?! It's not!"

I stand up from the couch and approach Connor who rests his back on the wall, but apparently this position doesn't suit him now and it looks like bounces off.

"Con-"

"Why?" He pushes me away. I meet his wild gaze. His eyes shine with tears but he's not crying yet. "Why did you leave Jacob's place without your phone? What is all of this? You left him without a word just like you had left me!"

"I-"

I put my hands above his elbows holding his arms close to his body. His breaths are shallow, face pale with red stains on cheeks. He's looking at me with anger swimming in his irises but the way he frowns and clenches his jaws only shows how sad he is. How disappointed.

"You  _what_ , Troye?", he asks with a lower voice.

I let go of his arms.

 

** CONNOR **

 

He's looking at me with an unreadable expression. Just standing in front of me with his hands in the pockets of his jeans. Curls messy, cheeks pink, breaths uneven, eyes steady - but gaze flying away.

Suddenly I feel his finger tips on my neck, he caresses the skiin on it, his eyes following the movements.

"Troye."

He stops.

Takes a step back.

Then a few steps forward. Passes me.

"You probably deserve someone much better than me", I hear him from behind me, his voice muffled as he probably bends down to put on his shoes. "But believe me that there's no one who wishes to wake up with your body next to mine and hear your _good morning_  every time I open my eyes on the beginning of the rest days of my life."

He closes the door with almost no sound.

The mug stands on the coffee table crying for its owner just as much as I.

I wash it, wipe it with a kitchen towel, and put it on its place.

_It's gonna be okay_ , I look at the coffee stain on the counter and wipe it with the sleeve.

 

_"Troye?" I frown when my hand lands on an empty, cold pillow. "Tro?!", I s_ _hout._

_Maybe he's in the kitchen. Making breakfast. Writing a song. Sitting on the counter and looking out the window._

_But the house is silent. It's the kind of silence that paces around the place and echoes the emptiness. I can only hear my breaths and the clock ticking, and_ _if I focus enough, I'd probably be able to hear my heart beating faster and_ _faster._

_"Troye?" I jump off the bed almost tripping over the duvet. Unfortunately, I_ _hook my feet on my shoes as I past the nightstand, which in effect makes me_ _fall anyway. My elbows and knees hurt, but I stand up and rush to the_ _bathroom._

_Did something happen to him?_

_It's empty._ Empty _._

_I'm hit by the sight in the moment I enter the bathroom. His toothbrush isn't_ _on its place. His deodorant isn't standing where I left it yesterday._

_I nearly face the door when I turn around. Losing my balance I dart in the_ _bedroom and get to the furniture._

_Every drawer. Every closet. Every counter._ _Every place in this house that belonged to him is empty._

_The quiet screams from corners while I run in and out every_ _room, not once being close to land on the floor again. During the mad run I_ _get my phone that doesn't show any messages or calls. I lose my sight and_ _breath, I grip the doorknob of the front door and fly out of the house._

_Nothing._

_He's gone._

_He's gone, gone, gone._

_My legs go weak, I collapse on the cold ground by the wall and try to catch a breath while_ _bringing the phone closer to my face._

_Second, two seconds, three._

_Pick up, pick up,_ pick up _._

_"Tyler?" I pant into the phone leaning on the wall, my bare back not moved by_ _the unpleasant contact. "Ty."_

_"What?" His voice is harsh and rather silent._

_Am I dreaming?_

_"He- he left." It's almost a whisper. "He's gone. Troye's gone."_

_Troye's gone._

_"I'm not surprised."_

_"An- Wait, what?" The phone almost falls out of my hand._

_"I'd never thought you'd be capable of doing such a thing. You've let me down,_ _Connor. You genuinely let me down."_

_"What are you talking about?" I frown near to tears._ What _? "It was_ him _who_ _left!" I scream not able to keep my voice low. Fuck you, neighbors._

_"If I were him, I'd left, too. I'd settle down in Australia just in case to_ _not to meet you somewhere in America by accident."_

_And on that point, he disconnects._

_My heart isn't beating anymore. I can't hear it kicking my rib cage like crazy,_ _it's frozen and refusing to make the blood run._

_In this given moment I don't know it's not the end of the storm. It's only a_ _beginning._

 

**_______________**

*** _Sleep Baby Sleep_ by Broods**

**to make it clear: there were a few memories (the parts written in italics) that pertain to one 'scene' (Troye x Connor). I hope you keep up with the memories somehow, but if not, then I'm here so go on and ask.**

**Connor's annunciation wasn't a book tour in Europe and I feel abandoned. but I have NTS pre-ordered, and to be honest, it's the only thing that keeps me alive.**

**(the picture: private)**


	7. anything hurts less than the quiet

 

** CONNOR **

 

"Do you know the little bar called Coffee Stains?"

"Yeah, I think I do."

"Can you meet me there at 4?"

 

** TROYE **

 

_"What is it, Connor?"_

_I approach the bed and sit by the boy's side. He's zoning out with his gaze_ _glued to the morning view outside the window. The light caresses his pale_ _skin, the violet shades under his eyes seem to be pink and green, his_ _expression half empty, half concerned._

_I place my hand on his bare knee and start to fondle it with my fingers._

_"_ _It's just- I'm fine." His voice is harsh since these are probably his first_ _words said today. "I'm really fine. I- Uh. I don't know."_

_"Is this about the night?", I ask slowly shoving the hand back to myself, but_ _he catches it and starts to caress the back of it with his thumb. He doesn't_ _move his head, but I follow the movements of his finger as he talks. "Coming_ _out is one thing, but if you don't want to- if you don't want to start_ _anything with me, I get it."_

_"I've waited months for being able to tell you what I feel, so don't you ever_ _think again I wouldn't like to build a relationship with you."_ _Connor sighs rubbing his eyes._

_After a while his gaze meets with mine, he_ _doesn't smile. He just looks at me like it's the first time he's ever seen me._ _He lifts his hand to touch my hair, caressing it for a moment while I don't_ _move an inch. His hands wanders down from my forehead to my chin where it_ _stops and he touches my lower lip with his thumb, never breaking the eye_ _contact._

_"I'm happy with myself being gay, I really am." He says drawing back his hand._ _He moves holding the duvet so it won't show the parts of his naked body that_ _he doesn't want to be shown for now, and within a few seconds his head lands_ _on my thighs. "It's just that when I go out, the world kinda muffles me. I_ _feel like- Like a toddler." He sniffs. I start running my fingers through his_ _messy hair and lean back using my other to steady my body. "I'm twenty two,_ _you're nineteen, and you're doing just right, and I'm like- I just wanna know_ _why I can't, why it's so hard to be myself walking down the street. My whole_ _life consisted of building up the mask of someone who I wasn't and pretending_ _to be happy while my mind was out of sight and my heart was being torn to_ _pieces. And now it's like I'm dumb, like- broken and not able to fix because_ _of all these years-"_

_"Connor." I put my index finger on his lips leaning forward. "You're going to_ _be just fine. I may be younger, but remember that I came to terms with my_ _sexuality when I was fifteen, and I was just as scared and insecure as you. Of_ _course, our feelings are not even in this case, everyone goes through this in_ _a different way, but just know that ninety nine percent of lgbt people were_ _terrified and muffled by their own minds." I bend down to kiss his temple. I_ _hear him sigh shortly and see the smile showing up on his face. "You're not_ _alone", I say as I remember what Ty just told me. "And you'll be fine."_

_"I really hope so, Troye."_

_He rolls on his back and looks me in the eye reaching up to rest his hand on_ _the back of my neck. I bend down again, this time connecting my lips with his_ _warm ones. The kiss is short and feels more like a touch of a feather, but_ _it's like a lighting running around inside my chest._

_"You will." I peck his nose. "No matter what, never forget that: don't ever_ _let people stifle you. Do you. Let yourself be yourself. You have an amazing_ _life ahead, don't allow anyone tell you otherwise. You're gonna do great_ _things, Connor, I believe in you."_

 

I quickly type the answer.

_expect me at 4:15._

 

** CONNOR **

 

The bell rings shortly.

I see him closing the door behind him, his attitude steady and calm. Dark waves contrast with the light skin as the rays of old lamps hanging from the ceiling lie on him. He smiles at me and approaches the table.

I stand up.

He's visibly higher than me. Well, he's a model.

"Hi", he says with amiable voice and reaches out his hand to me. I shake it feeling my own kinda diving in his. "You've got nice skin."

"Are you flirting with me?" I smile slightly despite the lump in my throat.

"No, it's just a statement." He shrugs letting go of my hand which I shove into the right pocket in my jeans. "If we can say someone has nice shoes why not saying someone has nice skin?"

"I like you already."

We sit down opposite each other and reach for the menus that the waiter brought a few minutes ago. I know it by heart just like my usual order, so my focus is conveyed on the boy. There's no anger or maliciousness beating out of him. Only a bit of awkwardness caused by the situation, which I totally understand and reciprocate. Beside this I can't? find anything that would be repulsive. At least so far. What is more, the way he sits shows that he isn't about to run away as soon as possible.

"May I take your order?"

We look up at the blond waiter in the same time.

"I'd like _the Pirate_ ", I answer putting down the menu and glancing at the brunet. "Jacob?"

"What's _the Pirate_?" He frowns.

"A coffee with milk and rum", responds the waiter with a smile.

"I'll take the risk, then." Jacob nods and hands the waiter his menu. The blond boy walks away leaving us with nothing but a minute of silence.

"Carribean, baby", I chuckle looking out of the window. The pedestrians walk by, slower or faster, so many different beings. And I'm here with the one that I've never thought I'd see from _this_ close. Only the two of us, waiting for our coffees like average friends on a casual meeting.

"This reminds me of _Dead Man Tell No Tales_ coming out this year."

"You watch this?" I turn my head so I can meet his curious yet iffy gaze.

"Orlando Bloom is hot there." He winks at me. "Also it's in my top ten movies, this series is a masterpiece."

"I prefer Johnny Depp", I sigh. "Or Sam Clafin. But yeah, this is probably the only movie where Orlando Bloom looks good." I rest my chin on the backs of my hands leaning forward.

"Troye told me the same thing. Besids Sam Clafin. Though I reciprocate the adoration, man."

The mention of Troye's name sort of wakes up a little monster in my head.

Oh, yes, Troye. We're here because of Troye.

"Has he finally made it home?", I ask cautiously.

"If by _made it home_ you mean rushing through the door, hugging me, taking his phone and leaving the flat, then yes." He presses his lips together dropping his gaze down on the table. "Listen, can we not talk about him for a few more minutes? I'd like to get to know you a bit, you seem like a cool guy and I don't want to ruin the relation between us."

I nod at his words unconsciously. Only after like two seconds I realize he's got his eyes kinda glued to the tabletop.

"Of course, um-"

"Jacob." He reaches out his hand to me again. "It's stupid, I know", he nods at his gesture, "but I like fresh starts. Jacob Bixenman."

"Connor Franta." I shake his hand for the second time in the last ten minutes.

I can't help but feeling a bit of respect towards the boy.

"Tell me about yourself, Connor." He smiles visibly more relaxed and leans forward copying my position. I see his dark eyes reflecting the lights from the chandelier above us.

"What do you want to know?", I ask, even though I usually have no problem with introducing myself. Not that I have _now_ , but I am simply curious and this situation doesn't belong to the average ones.

"Cats or dogs?"

"Cats. But dogs are cute, too. I love animals, actually. Beside spiders." I tremble on the thought. "They are gross and should extinct."

"I admire their webs, they look amazing after rain", he responds. "Have you ever taken a picture of it?"

"Although I take a lot of pictures, I think I never actually cought a spider web", I admit.

"I saw your pictures, they are great."

"You did?" My eyebrows rise up before I realize it.

"Yeah." He grins and sips his coffee. "Believe it or not, I even have a shirt and a hoodie from Common Culture. And the coffee is so good."

And this is one of these moments in my life I've never seen to come true. It's even more unreal than the very meeting happening right now.

"Well." I cough. "I hope you like them." _You better. They are comfy as hell_.

"This freaking hoodie belongs to the most comfortable things I've ever worn. And I love the drawing."

"I know, right? It's so good." I nod. For a second I think if I really can say what I want to say, but apparently I reached the level _fuck it,_ referring to _Deadpool_. I think about _Deadpool_ again, apparently I need to watch it again. "I saw your drawings, too. I mean, only a few on social media. It was kinda hard to avoid that kind of posts appearing on my dashboard."

"Thank you. I actually like drawing. It's more like doodling but it's the way I express myself. I draw my thoughts, if that makes sense."

"You're talking to a shitty poet, pal, I feel you."

"A poet?" He sips his coffee looking at me visibly curious.

 

** TROYE **

 

_"Life doesn't wait."_

_"It's a pleasure, God, nice to hear from you, but wrong number", I groan into the phone and put it_ _back on the pillow. It doesn't take more than three seconds 'til it rings_ _again._

_This time I look at the screen, what in effect really_ enlightens _me._

_"What the shit, Connor", I wail rubbing my eyes. "It's thirty past midnight -"_

_"Life waits for no one", he cuts me with steady voice._

_"Huh?"_

_"If yours isn't going in the way you want it to, if you aren't pursuing what_ _you want to pursue, if you wake-"_

_"Wait!" I realize what's happening and shove my other hand under the pillows._

_"Again", I say clicking the button on the tape recorder and thanking myself again_ _for this brilliant idea I got a few weeks ago. It's much easier than writing_ _down._

_Connor speaks up again, sometimes losing his track of thoughts, but he talks_ _pretty fast. After a few minutes he stops._

_"I think that's all", he adds._

_"That was good", I smile as wide as I can considering my half asleep body._ _"Now, if you excuse me, sugar, I really need to-"_

_"Of course. I'm sorry." His voice gets sadder and quieter. "Good night,_ _Troye."_

_"Nothing to be sorry about. I love you."_

_"Sweet dreams, my boy."_

 

"Sorry I don't shake your hand, I just don't have much of respect left towards you."

He turns away letting go of the door frame. Well. Fair enough.

I put my hands into the pockets of my jeans and enter the flat closing the door with the left foot.

"Nice flat you've got here", I say following the boy and looking around.

The place seems to be bigger than the one he had before. It's more, huh, mature. The furniture is toned but colorful, and even though the rooms I pass look like taken from magazines, they are somehow homely and Tyler-like.

"Thanks. Coffee? Drink? Water?", he asks walking into the kitchen.

"I'd like a drink. You finally have a dishwasher." I point on the machine leaning on the wall next to the entrance.

"It's making my life like thousand times easier", he says with still neutral voice. "Drinks are in the living room, so I suggest you go there. Don't touch my armchair or I'll cut off your balls before we even start the conversation which I guess you've come here to have."

I nod.

After a few seconds I find myself standing in the middle if the living room looking out of the window and zoning out a bit, lost in thoughts. Only two pictures keep hitting my mind - Connor's disappointed eyes and Jacob's half worried, half bewildered expression. I feel bad for just storming in and out his flat, but I've wasted enough time. I need to fix two very important things. Or rather relations.

I'm doing this for myself, for Connor, for everyone whom I lied and built fake bridges with. I'm just so tired of running, of not being able to smile with my heart, of unability to say what I want to say. It's not what I've worked for all my life, and surely it's not how I want the rest of it to look like.

"You can sit on the couch, Troye, it doesn't bite."

Tyler passes me standing a white cup with his name written on it in the style of YouTube logo on the coffee table.

"Sorry."

I step back and sit down on the surprisingly comfy couch. Well, it's not really much of a surprise since it's Tyler's couch and this boy really cares about pieces of furniture that he uses to sit, sleep or lie on.

"What kind of drink you want?", asks Ty approaching something that seems to be a white, fully wooden wheelbarrow with a tabletop fastened to the top of the bowl, over ten different bottles, snifters, tumblers and other kinds of glasses standing on it. He must've found it in some creepy retro store.

"Whatever you have, you know me better when it comes to drinks", I answer without thinking.

Tyler sighs.

"I wish I could disagree, but I'd lie then."

I smile at his words. At least the situation isn't hopeless.

Finally Tyler hands me the drink in a fancy glass and places himself on the armchair.

"So." He looks at me from above the cup, the mist fogging his glasses. "What's the reason of your visitation?"

I take a sip of the drink, the liquid softly burning my throat, and put the glass back on the table resting elbows on my knees.

"Over two and a half year ago you asked me to promise you something", I start staring at my fingers. "You asked me to promise that I'd always be saying only good things to Connor. You wanted me to keep reminding him he's worth the best in this world. And even though I didn't say a word as an answer for your question, I want you to know that I kept this promise. That's why I left without a word." I look up at the blond boy. "I didn't want to say anything that would hurt him."

He smiles. Not warmly, not with a _that's okay_ smile, not reassuringly.

"You either are stupid, or unmature. Or just emotionally unstable." He leans back relaxing his body. "Connor's missed you. I didn't see him on the first day of his breakdown since you'd lied to me making me angry at him and I cut him off. He came to me two days after, still crying, his eyes puffy and red, and I believed him. You didn't answer your phone anymore." He presses his lips together looking at the ceiling. "What followed next was a nightmare." Tyler rubs his eyes under glasses and meets my gaze again. "I don't know how much he was sleeping without me by his side, but I was putting bunch of effort to make him fall asleep. I stayed nights with him. I bought him pills. For like the first two weeks he'd say that you'd come back. That you just had felt a need to be alone for a while. He didn't even washed bedsheets. And then shit happened. He saw a picture of you and Jacob." A shudder runs along my spine as I hear the name. "He stopped telling your name unless necessary. By necessary I mean mentioning you once upon a time so the fandom and people around didn't get to know what had really happened. He started hiding himself in big sweaters and hoodies, he left the old apartment. He didn't say that but I knew he thought he wasn't good for you, so that you'd left. He started having long runs in the mornings. One of his avocado toasts landed in the trashcan. If it wasn't for Common Culture and if I didn't make him to, he probably wouldn't have opened the front door."

"But the videos-"

"He did collabs. Or q&a's." He frowns. "When you left, Connor left, too. For such a long time I haven't seen Connor inside his body that also started to disappear. Connor Franta, the YouTuber, was only brought up to life a few times a week. He felt useless and worthless. So don't tell me you kept the promise, Troye Sivan."

 

** CONNOR **

 

"She looked at my pin, yanno, the rainbow one, and she was like _go to hell!_ And then I smiled and said _make there a bed for me and ask the devil for the_ _wifi password, the party throwers are always so hard to find_."

"You didn't!"

"I did!", I giggle. "And then the bus appeared so I just patted her white-haired head and went away. She stood there like- frozen. I really don't think she'll get this wifi password, she was kinda shy for that matter."

"Wifi is needful." He nods. "The porn on DVD is so expensive, man."

"Rig-?"

Suddenly, I trip over the bumpy pavement, but before I get to see the ground from too close, the boy's hand lands on my arm. Jacob pulls me back to something that can be considered a stable position, but the world around me doesn't really look that stable. I tighten the grip on the bottle in my hand.

"How far do you live?", he asks rubbing his eyes that shine in shades of gold in the lights coming from the street lamps.

"Pretty far for a walk, I'll call a taxi." I start to pull out my phone but I see his arm being reached out again. He covers the screen.

"I live behind that corner, you can stay the night at mine."

 

** TROYE **

 

"-but he'd never listened! You have no idea how many times I heard him swearing under his nose just because he didn't listen when I was trying to warn him that the coffee was damn hot!"

"For the record, nothing's changed!"

"No way! He's still doing it?"

"Yeah, but he's been drinking coffee very, very rarely. I've seen him drink it maybe like six or seven times."

"That's bad. Coffee is a blessing, never underestimate the power and the blessing that coffee brings to this world."

"I think he associated coffees with you."

"You think so?"

"Yeah."

"Jake-"

"No, we're good, remember?"

"Yes. Yes, I remember."

I lean forward to get a look of the boys sitting on the couch.

Correction - Jacob is sitting, Connor is lying with his head on the other boy's knees. Both of them are smiling and visibly feeling good with each other's presence. The room is heavy from a smell of rum, coffee and vine.

And I don't know if I should feel screwed, happy or just walk away like I didn't see or hear anything.

"Oh, Troye!" I hear Connor's voice right in the moment when I am about to step back. "Troye, we're good, you know? We're all good. I love Jacob, he's a good friend, he can draw and he's so damn good looking! Speeeaaaking of which!" Con lifts his arms up and starts to gesticulate. "What d'ya think about modelling for Common Culture? I have new things coming out for a few weeks and I am looking for models."

"That'd ba an honor", Jacob answers pushing Connor's arms down since he began waving them dangerously close to the brown-eyed boy.

"I'm tired, J, can I sleep?"

"Of course you can, Connor." He smiles.

And I am just looking at them as if it was an average day from my life. My soon to be ex-boyfriend and my soon to be boyfriend aka ex-boyfriend sitting on the same couch talking like they've known each other for at least a few days.

Jacob turns his head so he can meet my gaze and nods at me. I approach the couch on my shaky legs and with a fucked up mind, but somehow I manage to stand by the boys.

I fall on my knees right next to Jacob's legs and bring myself closer so Connor's face is not further than three inches from mine.

"My little rose", I whisper and press my lips together for I feel tears filling up my eyes. I lift my hand to caress his lips slightly widened in a relaxed smile with my thumb. I wander up to touch the one strand of hair that disrespectfully curls to the right side. It was always one of my favorite things to do when we were together. I was trying to make the curl fold back but with no effect, so I was just like a kid playing with a bobo doll. He'd make fun of me sometimes and call me childish, but we were both childish and sickeningly sweet.

"Troye?"

"I'm here, Connor."

"Sing me, please?"

I look up at Jacob who leans his head back and turns it a bit to smile at me.

"Of course", I say and start stroking the boy's hair.

I see Jacob closing his eyes.

 

_So lay here and press up next to me  
_

_cause we'll be alright, we'll be alright.  
_

_But when we leave I know it's hard,  
_

_cause it's all we know but we'll be alright, we'll be alright, right._

_Sleep, baby, sleep,  
_

_what are you waiting for?  
_

_The morning's on its way,  
_

_you know it's only just a dream.  
_

_Oh, sleep, baby, sleep,  
_

_I lie next to you,  
_

_the beauty of this mess is that it brings me close to you.*_

 

**_____**

*** _Sleep Baby Sleep_ by Broods**

**it was so hard to write. I didn't even write down a half of what I wanted to fit in this chapter.**

**quickly reminder that it was meant to be an one shot, so the story isn't too complicated or long. I just love coming up with memories that Connor and Troye can have.**

**I think I have one chapter and the epilogue left to write.**

**I love you all very much, xx**

**(the picture: private)**


	8. the one who has him

** ___________ **

** CONNOR **

 

_To the one_

_who has him next:_

 

_He's allergic to most kinds of the seafood  
_

_always ask him about it_

 

_He's creative  
_

_he can zone out in a millisecond and you won't even realize  
_

_don't be mad at him if he doesn't listen  
_

_he will smile after he has everything written down  
_

_and this smile will be enough, trust me_

 

_He's a music maniac  
_

_don't take away his earphones  
_

_don't pause his Spotify  
_

_don't hide his keyboard  
_

_simply admire the way he looks when dancing  
_

_and singing the words he got yet to remember (he'll know the whole lyrics anyway)_

 

_He's beautiful, but he doesn't know it  
_

_so tell him that every day  
_

_every morning  
_

_every evening  
_

_every time he chooses clothes for a day_

 

_He runs to random places  
_

_just to think  
_

_don't look for him then  
_

_he'll come back (I promise)_

 

_He likes hugs  
_

_don't ever refuse when he wants to  
_

_and hug him as often as you can_

 

_He loathes curtains  
_

_he says they cut him off of the world_

 

_He loves flowers._

 

_To the one he loves next._

 

_Don't hurt him_

_be there  
_

_pick up your phone  
_

_tell him good morning (he likes his coffee with cold milk)  
_

_and good night (sometimes he sings before he falls asleep)._

 

_To the one he's being loved by next._

 

_Be there  
_

_because I'm not anymore._

 

** CONNOR **

 

There are flowers in a vase standing on the coffee table when I open my eyes. Pink roses, violet lilacs, evening stocks and one mimosa.

A mimosa.

I reach out for the flower and take it between my fingers. I bring it closer to my nose and breath in its scent. There's only one thing that it smells like.

"Italy, 2014." I hear from above my head.

I look up at Troye standing behind the couch right next to asleep Jacob. He's caressing the brown-eyed boy's hair and staring at me with a small smile.

"You remember", I manage to whisper. Talking hurts as hell in my current condition.

"I've never forgotten. Made you coffee." He lets go of Jacob and disappears from my sight.

I realize that I am lying on J's thighs and hugging a pillow, while fingers of his left hand are slightly tangled into my messed up curls. I swirl the flower between my fingers and stare at the ceiling trying to remember what actually happened yesterday.

We're good.

I smile.

 _We're good_.

"Here", says Troye approaching the space between me and the coffee table. He stands the cup on the glass table top and crouches down. "How are you feeling?", he asks glancing at the mimosa.

I stop twirling it and look up at the boy. The rainbow sweater he's wearing sort of attacks my nerves. The ocean in his eyes is shining like I remember it did a long time ago, his face is less grey, the violet shadows under his eyes disappeared. He looks better.

"Shitty", I admit. "Shouldn't have drunk so much yesterday. But I had fun, though. And hours of talking."

"I see." He nods and places himself on the floor stretching out his legs.

"And you?"

"I feel- I feel good. I fixed things with Tyler." He smiles and reaches out his hand.

His index finger starts to wander among my jawline causing goosebumps on my arms, but I don't break the eye-contact.

"I am happy, Troye", I say with a surprisingly steady voice. "It's been a bad, rough time, but now I'm happy. It may sound cheesy, but I start to think that maybe this world needed us to- to be apart for a while just to- maybe just to teach us a lesson. Or make us stronger, I think? Maybe sometimes people need a break so they can grow up and acknowledge how much they have and how much they need to hold onto it. After all these months I'm here, in this awkward situation", I roll my eyes pointing on silently snoring Jacob, "where I'm lying on your yet current boyfriend with a huge hangover and a mimosa in my hand, the kind of flower that you gave me in Italy. And I feel happy, I feel- I know that this is the day it gets better. It's the end of the nights when I cried myself to two hours long sleep."

Troye stops moving his finger. He presses his lips together, his eyes start sparkling with tears, but a wide smile appears when his hand moves down to my chest. I feel my own lips beginning to tremble, so I bite on my lower lip trying to keep myself together for at least a few more minutes.

"I'm so sorry, Connor." He takes a grip of my shirt and leans forward to lie his head on my rib cage. I bend my arm in the elbow and rest my palm on his soft curls. "I wasn't there for you to ease the pain and comfort you." He nestles his nose into the fabric of my shirt. "But I   _promise you_   that from now on I'll always be there to put you back together, and to hold your hand, and to make your days better. I just- I love you, Connor." He moves his head slightly to make an eye-contact with me. "Can we start again?"

"No", I whisper more quickly that I think about it.

Troye goes pale, his breath audibly stuck in his throat.

"Con-"

"No, listen", I cut him and start caressing his tangled hair. _Good job, Franta_. "I don't want us to start again. I want us to continue what we had and go on with everything we've done. Starting again- it means you want to start from a fresh beginning, and this is not what I'd like to do. I want us to be us, not only with flowers and bright colors, but with scars and thorns, too. If we can't hold a rose with thorns, then maybe we shouldn't have it. I am willing to hold tight onto it. Are you?"

I hand him the mimosa, but before he can take it I feel Jacob's legs moving.

"Oh my god", the boy groans silently. "My head."

I look back down at Troye and we snicker simultaneously.

"Ouch!", I hiss. "Hy head."

"Alcoholics." Troye rolls his eyes and stands up with the flower in his hand. "Coffee for you, Jake?"

"Sweet Jesus, yes. What would I do without you?"

"You'd live a different life. Maybe better. And Connor?" He scampers quickly and bend over the couch. "I am."

He takes the flower in his hand with a genuine smile.

 

_The sun has been out of the sight for a while now, leaving us in a darkness_ _lightened up only by the street lamps._

_"I can't give you what you want", I say silently tightening the grip on my mug_ _and resting my the back of my head on the wall. "Look at me. I'm weak, I can't_ _even hold your hand in public. I'm hopeless and pathetic. You deserve much_ _more than me."_

_He reaches out his hand and uses his fingers to turn my head so my blurry gaze_ _meets his. The blue irises are stern now, reflecting stars and focused on me._

_"I don't want anything more, you idiot. I don't want you to hold my hand in_ _public if it makes you uncomfortable. It's hard for you now, and I know it._ _And you're in no meaning hopeless and pathetic. You're funny, creative, you_ _make amazing coffees, you have a warm heart, you're helpful, you're everything_ _what I want. I don't need cliches right from books." He wipes away the tear_ _that managed to stream down my right cheek. It's useless, another ones escape_ _my eyes. "All I need is you."_

_He leans forward and leaves a short, warm kiss on my lips, surely testing the_ _salt liquid._

_"What would I do without you?" I smile resting my forehead on his._

_He pulls back a bit to peck the tip of my nose._

_"You'd live a different life. For now I like to think it would be worse_ _without me in it. And either would mine without you. You make up all that I am_ _missing. Jigsaw puzzles."_

 

** TROYE **

 

His eyes shine as much as they did on the day i saw him for the first time. Playlist live 2013. Connor Franta, a guy who refused to be gay, who cried himself to sleep, who couldn't even look into a mirror, who was close to committing a suicide more than once.

Connor Franta lying on J's thighs is so much different. Hurt, but happy.

The boys are muttering while I'm making another coffee, and they have smiles on their lips when I approach the bed with a cup of the black beverage in my hands.

"Here", I say handing the coffee to Jacob.

He grins slightly and nods in response taking the cup from my hands. Believe me or not, but these two boys being open and happy, and drinking their coffees in the morning with hangovers hitting their bodies are one of the best things I've seen for months.

They laugh. They joke. They smile. They chuckle. They accidentally spill their beverages.

And I just sit on the floor by the wall under the light coming out from the window, with a wide grin on my face and a peace in my heart, and when Connor turns his head and winks at me I know it's gonna be good.

 

_"How did it happen?"_

_"What?" I look to my left at nana who's watching me curiously with her wise, warm eyes._

_"Falling in love with him." She smiles._

_I feel my cheeks going pink but I carry my gaze to lock it on Connor who is_ _running around with Jagga with a cheerful laugh and careless motions._

_"It started with a friendship", I say not stopping to stare at the boy. "It_ _happened on the very first day I met him in person, but he was in a closet_ _then. I knew he was something more for me. It started to bloom, he came out to_ _me, he showed me that he loved me. It was in the stupid, little things, you know?" I tilt my head a bit to take a glance of my grandma. She nods knowingly. "Pointless meetings and_ _coffees we drunk at night in random places or his apartment. The talks that were_ _becoming more meaningful and deep."_

_I laugh. Nana turned her_ _eyes to watch Connor who now is lying on the ground while Jagga is joyfully_ _licking his face. "We realized", I continue, "that we loved the silence between us, that we_ _enjoyed the presence of each other. That was when it hit me. Every touch", I_ _see the boy standing up and running around again, "every hug, every word_ _became so precious and priceless."_

_Connor meets my gaze what in effect allows_ _Jagga to jump on him all of a sudden. The boy screams shortly and starts_ _running again._

_"They sure were." Grandma smacks her lips._

_"And- and that was when I knew I had fallen for him." I close my eyes remembering the months of uncertainty. And Brighton. "We happened in the_ _cold breeze slipping into the room in Brighton and the sound of his shallow_ _breaths. It was too late for us to stop, but why stopping something like that?"_

_The skin on my cheeks is burning, but I dare and look at my grandma anyways. She's_ _having a blissful and calm smile on her face, her eyes shining and glued to_ _the boy running around again._

_"He loves you, Troye", she says not looking at me. "Don't let go of him._ _Either way your world will feel like cold nights without stars and dark days_ _with a sad sun shining. Never let go of a love that matters."_

 

** CONNOR **

 

 **con** : I'm not a cat but do cats think they're cats

 **jay** : hello to you, too

 **con** :

**con** : do they

 **jay** :

**con** : what if they think they're humans

 **con** : (isak is hot tho)

 **jay** : idk, then it makes us aliens

 **jay** : (idk him, the gif is good)

 **con** : do aliens think they're humans

 **jay** :

**con** : maybe aliens think they're cats

 **con** : what does it make the coffee, then?

 **jay** : a cat?

 **con** : so I'm drinking a cat

 **jay** : no, you're hangover.

 **con** : so are you but I don't pinpoint it

 **con** :

**jay** : meanie

 **con** : :)

 **jay** : it's creepy

 **con** : c:

 **jay** : you scare me

 **con** : CCCCCCCCC:

 **jay** :  :'c

 **jay** :

**con** : why do I get to meet you now

 **jay** : u tell me.

 **con** : the photo shoot is tomorrow at 10am

 **jay** : I'll be there.

 **jay** : also, I can invite a few friend on CK fashion show, wanna come?

 **con** : YOU aSk.

 **con** : yOU aSK mE IF I WanNA coME to CK FASHion SHOW,,

 **con** : gURL.

 **jay** : if not it's ok

 **con** :

**jay** :

**con** : I'M IN. TROYE TOO.

 **jay** : you asked him?

 **con** : he's got no-

 **con** : IS IT A GIF OF ME

 **jay** :

**con** :

**jay** :

(also Seb is hot as fuck)

 **con** :

**con** : (agreed)

 

** TROYE **

 

"You slayed this, oh my god!" Connor grabs the phone from Jacob's hand and glues his eyes to the screen. "Where do I buy this beauty?"

I only roll my eyes at the boy and open the exit door as I see he's all about hitting it weith his head. He doesn't even notice, he just swipes the pictures on Jacob's phone and goes ahead as if there was nothing around him. Just as if he didn't just attend Calvin Klein's show.

"It was Palomo's fashion show", says Jacob and tries to get property from the shorter boy's hands. "Gimme."

"I need this, oh my lord", sighs Con and reluctantly hands J the device.

They continue to babble about Palomo's clothing lines while I simply glance at them and try to make our way to the taxi that awaits us.

It's been a few days, and I couldn't be happier. The fandom's gone crazy, there are also a lot of doubts, rumors and questions, but Connor, Jacob and I just keep going and hope for understanding. We know it'll be better. Connor's place has been lately being stuffed with my things as I move out of J. We've been spending days on redecorating, or rather _decorating_ , his little but amazingly warm and cute house. One night I painted a big, pink rose on the wall behind his bed and he claims it scares him, but I know it doesn't. I am no painter but the rose looks pretty cool. It matches the pink armchairs we bought and put in the corner of the bedroom right with a small white coffee table and velvet cushions.

The life's been good recently. I'm back to my morning coffees and weird text messages which sense only Connor and I know.

"Earth to Troye, we're losing the signal."

I see Connor's hand in front of my eyes, and I realize I probably zoned out. And I don't know where we are.

"The taxi is standing right there." Jacob pinpoints the cab standing a few metres away.

After a few second we get into the car and Connor tell the driver his address.

"We asked you something", he says lying his head on my shoulder.

"What was it?", I ask and intertwine our fingers when I see Con's hand next to mine.

"When is the Heaven music video coming out?" Jacob leans forward to look from behind Connor, although I'm sure he could've just talk to me from over the green-eyed boy's head.

"On twentieth", I respond. "How could you have forgotten?"

"These timelines are so confusing when you say it's about to be out on twenty first, but you prank your fans, because it's gonna be out one day earlier, and then you tell me that it's true, and I'm getting confused, so I ask just so I won't blunder. It was the longest sentence I've said in a few week, sweet mother of snails."

Having stopped counting the amount of times that I've rolled my eyes today, I decide to to this again and just sigh leaning back.

"I'm sure it will be great."

I look down at Connor who's got his gaze stuck to the space in front of him, but I reckon he's just curios of the driver's reaction on three gays in the back of his car.

"At least I didn't have to look for a good model to star in the video", I chuckle.

"Thanks", says Jacob resting his head on the window.

"I was talking about myself, but you're not bad yourself."

"Ouch."

"He's kinda right, J." Connor looks up at me and grins. "I remember when we were looking for a boy to play in The Blue Neighborhood trilogy. He was scrolling through pictures, and be like   _he must look like Connor, otherwise I'm not kissing him_." He lifts up his hand and gestures with his fingers. "We didn't know if he was joking or not, so we just kept looking for a guy he demanded. It lasted like four days, man, so be thankful you didn't have to go through all of this as I did."

"Seems like you're not happy that the boy looked like your copy", I sputter. "I feel hurt."

"Nobody's gonna be my copy, you should've just let me star in the trilogy."

"You know that Emma didn't let me." I roll my eyes for the ninety sixth time today and bend to kiss Connor's forehead. "But I promise you're going to be in any another music video of mine."

I see Jacob smiling as he looks out of the window, and my heart warms up.

 _I'm so happy for you_ , he said as he handed me the last hoodie from his closet that belonged to me.

 _Thank you_ , I answered and hugged him tightly. _For everything you've done to me. You're awesome and deserve so much love_.

We changed looks a few times as I was packing my things. We happened to touch our hands accidentally, we exchanged smiles, our heart skipped once or twice, but we were just friends. Like we'd been before.

Whatever reason the world had to make me this lucky, I am thankful for it. The short kiss that Connor leaves on my lips and the sparkles in his eyes as he looks at me are enough.

That's all I need.

After all this pain, we're here, fingers tangled, hearts connected.

When I left him I thought that bearing with pain just to save the person I cared for was the thing that life was about.

But the pain between two people who love love each other is always even. You can never take someone's pain away.

And that's what I understood when I got to hold the key of Connor's house - if you want to be with someone, you need to learn how to deal with the pain and problems, because people get more hurt when you try to convince them they're too weak to heal their scars themselves.

 

** CONNOR **

 

_it is the last time_

 

_these words are about you_

_these pages and letters are saying goodbye_

_i don't need you in these phrases_

 

_you're a finished sentence_

_at the one of this epilogue._

 

_let's start another book._

 

**______  
**

**I just felt like adding gifs, they're funny, don't fight me.**

**also there's also the epilogue left, I hope you'll like it. I had like million concepts of the epilogue, and it was sooo hard to choose one.**

**(picture source:** internet **)**

 

**me about NTS:**


	9. Chapter 9

**(the epilogue contains memories written in** _italics_ **_, they_ _aren't_ _ordered chronologically)_ **

 

**________**

 

"Hi, everyone, it's Troye."

 *****   

**TROYE**

 

_"Hi, everyone, it's Troye Si-"_

_"Don't look at me! Look into the lens!" I hear Connor's scoff._

_"How can I not look at you when you're so hot?" I stop suddenly almost_ _tripping over my own feet on the sidewalk_

_"Troye!" He frowns pausing the video and lets the camera hang on its strip._

_"What? You know I am weak for your no-quiff-hairstyle."_

_"Oh my god." Con slides his hand down his face and rolls his eyes while I just_ _grin and hang my intertwined hands on the back of my neck. "Just stop looking_ _at me. Focus!"_

_"Okay, okay." Now it's my time for eye-rolling._

_"Stop it with those lips! You're supposed to be serious."_

_"I can't help it!", I laugh, though I repeat the kind of seductive biting on_ _my lower lip._

_"Get your shit together, we'll film a rom-com another day. Just- argh", he_ _groans lifting up the camera. "For five seconds, be serious, look into the_ _camera."_

_"Okay." I try and make a serious face._

_"See, wasn't that hard." Connor looks down at the screen and smiles a bit, his_ _fringe covering his eyes._

_"I think something else is getting hard."_

_"Troye!"_

*****   

"It's been long time no see. I'd say I've been busy. I'd say I've not had an idea for a video. But I'd lie. In fact, 2016 was so far the worst year in my life. Not generally. A lot of good stuff happened, but it's not about events, music videos, concerts, photo shoots or songs. It's about me. In 2016 I messed up. Really bad. I lost so many friends. I lost the only person that knew my Subway order. I lost so much. I lost _love._ "

 *****   

** CONNOR **

 

_It takes me one day._

_I wake up in the very morning._ _Pack up piece by piece._

_I take the pots with flowers from the windowsills in the living room, I empty_ _the vases from shelves and cupboards. I wash the coffee stains from tables, the_ _one on the carpet doesn't wash off. I pack all the frames hanging on walls,_ _the photographs and drawings hitched to the fridge and pinned to the board_ _over my desk. I hide in boxes all the memories I've made in this time when I_ _lived the life full of love and smiles, hoping that they evaporate on my way_ _to another place (I know they won't). I cram the bed sheets into the garbage_ _bags and with a blurred sight I rush outside and throw it into the trashcan._

_The day is ironically sunny like never before. It is perfect for taking_ _pictures. But I won't take any._

_There's nothing left beside our scents, echoes of our words, and fingerprints_ _on the walls._ _There's no music playing in the background. No ringing phone. No laughs_ _fulfilling the composition of chemical elements of the air._

_The clicks of the camera (turn on, film, turn off)._

_The keys' clanging (the fob in the shape of T thrown over the roof)._

_The try to move on._

 

*****

"First and foremost: don't hate on Jacob. He's smart, he's sweet, he's good. And I feel bad for kind of lying to him for all the time. Because I said I loved him. And I did, I- I genuinely, really did. But not in the way I should've. The truth is, I've been in love with someone else."

*****

** TROYE **

 

_"Are you sure you're gonna be okay?",_ _asks_ _Emma as I get out of the vehicle._

_"No." I answer after a few seconds, tightening the grip on my suitcase. "I will_ _call you later."_

_Before she can say anything more, I slam the door of her car and walk away._ _The backpack on my shoulder is pulling me down with its weight, but I somehow_ _manage to make it to Jacob's front door. I knock with my free hand, the other_ _gripping the suitcase's leather handle, and I try to hold back the wave of_ _tears that stubbornly keeps hitting my eyes._

_The door opens and I see half asleep Jake leaning on the frame._

_"Hi", I say with an askew smile._

_"Hello." He rubs his eyes and looks down at my luggage. "Come in."_

_Nodding I enter the flat and drag the suitcase behind me. The boy closes_ _the door and leads me to another room that turns out to be the living room._

_"I brought some pillows, a blanket and- and yeah, that's all", Jacob informs_ _me as he stands next to the couch. It doesn't seem amazingly comfortable, but_ _I'd sleep on spikes if I had to. I kind of deserve it._ Kind of _. "If you need something, just_ _tell me."_

_"Thank you." I turn my head so I can give the boy a small smile, but it turns_ _out as a sob, and within a second my bags are on the floor and my face is_ _nestled into his shirt._

_"Shh", he whispers hugging me and swaying back and forth. "Are you sure you_ _don't want to talk about it?", he asks rubbing my back with his hands._

_"I just-", I try to catch a breath as I snuggle my head between his jawbone and_ _collarbones. "I just want him to be happy."_

_Jacob only goes on with shushing and rocking our intertwined bodies, but I know he's got a_ _lot of words stuck in his throat. I'm grateful he doesn't say any of them,_ _because world knows how much I fucked up and I don't need anyone to speak this_ _out loud._

_It's four in the morning and I have a chance to come back._

_But I don't. I fall asleep on the comfortless couch and dream of Connor._

_My beautiful Connor._

_He says he won't be alright and that he needs me._

You'll do big things, Connor, _is my answer and I wake up to see nobody in the_ _kitchen and smell no nutty coffee scent._

 _*****_  

"I messed up so badly, and I am amazingly lucky that all these people that I terribly let down decided to give me another chance. It's the last day of 2017, and I want you to listen to me now."

*****

** TROYE **

 

_"Tyler, I'm gonna kill you one day, I swear", I whimper when Ty pushes me through the door of his flat and closes it behind us. The place is dark, all the lights are off and apparently the windows are covered by the curtains._

_"Don't talk, just go", he sputters with his hands on my back and leads me forward._

_"I'll hit a wall if you keep-"_

_Suddenly, the room lightens up and all I see are people. Tens of people, somehow fitted into the living room, one by one, some of them with slights smiles, some of them with a serious gazes, some of them simply curious or hesitant. Most of them familiar, a few ones new. Old friends, new faces. Joe, Caspar, Marcus, and every other youtuber I once was close with. The new faces are actually the ones I've seen on screens, never in person, like Ryan and Nick._

_"Wha-?"_

_"I think you have something to say, don't you?" Tyler walks out from behind my back and joins the crowd putting his hands into the back pockets of his jeans. Then I feel a hand on my shoulder, skinny fingers rubbing my bones._

_"They came here for you", says Connor and lets go of me._

_The green-eyed boy steps on the front of the crowd and smiles at me encouragingly._

_For a minute I only stand here and look at the faces I haven't seen for so long. I notice Jacob leaned on the wall and looking at me with curious but relaxed, calm expression._

_I start with a silent_ hi _and cough. All the people I've left and lied to are_ _standing in front of me, some of them look exactly as I remember them, some_ _changed._

 _"There was this long period in my life when I truly stopped believing in_ _finding love", I say after exhaling the breath I didn't know I was keeping. "I_ _was- I was thinking_ well, maybe it's not meant for me, these cliches and holding hands _. But my family had, huh, a different answer for my problems." I look_ _down. "They'd always say that every day I lived was a day closer to the one_ _when I'd find_ the  _someone. And it happened." I look back at the people who_ _now are more serious than curios. "In 2013, it actually happened. They say_ _that when you know, you just know, and I hadn't believed it until it came to_ _that day. I just knew. But then the lighting stroke and the fate decided to_ _make fun of me by throwing hot sand into my eyes and saying_ he's not for you, he's not like you _. But the feeling", I tap the place on my chest where my heart is, "this knowing, it didn't disappear. W_ _ell," I lick my lips and chuckle lightly, "it actually kept growing, which_ _was kinda scary if you ask me, because I realized that I fell in love in_ _someone who would never be with me. Not because they didn't like me, no, but because_ _they didn't like me in_ that _way. I build a wall between us, and to my_ _surprise- he did, too. But his reasons were different," I look at the boy_ _standing in the first line not further than an arm-length distance away from_ _me, "and I learned them in the same day that I learned - in one of the most_ _cliche ways possible - that he felt what I felt. That day I knew what was this_ _feeling that I had while looking into his eyes. This feeling was seeing my_ _very own rest of the days of my life." I laugh slightly as I recall this day_ _in my memory. "I looked him in the eye, and I said_ Don't freak out, but when I look into your eyes I see swimming pools, children, good drinks and tons of books on vintage shelves. _" The crowd chortles silently and I follow rubbing_ _my eyes with the back of my hand. "And he didn't. I mean, he didn't freak out._ _We always were so good at understanding each other's artistic endeavors. That_ _was when I wrote_ Fools _, but I suppose you've guessed it. But!" I lift my_ _hand up. "But. I was so scared because he didn't seem to stop calling himself_ _weak and useless. Even though he felt comfortable with himself being who he_ _was, who he is for that matter, he was broken. Because of all those twenty two_ _years in a mental cage and living day by day with a mask, he was broken and I_ _made it my personal mission to put him together. It turned out I didn't have to." The_ _crowd goes completely quiet. I seek for the green eyes and smile proudly as I_ _get to find them. "He did it himself. He made himself better than better. He_ _made himself much greater then I could imagine. I was so proud. And happy._ _And- in love."_

_I see tears shining in his eyes, so I approach him and wipe up the single drop_ _that was trying to stream down his pale cheek._

_"Tro-"_

_"It was love, though neither of us said that. But we knew." Our fingers_ _intertwine, his fragile hand trembles a little in mine. "Time passed and one_ _day I found myself sitting in the kitchen at nine pm with a cup of coffee and_ _thinking_ what kind of future I can offer to this boy? _" I lift up our hands and_ _start to caress his skin with my thumb. "A bad future. With me being_ _everywhere but with him. And I thought- I thought that maybe if I disappear_ _he'd make himself a better life with someone who would stand by his side every_ _day. And I left. I packed up my things, lied to people I loved so that nobody_ _would associate us two anymore, and went away without a word." I look up at_ _all these people that watch me talking. My old friends, people I don't know_ _yet, my manager, my something-like-an-ex-boyfriend, and my beautiful boy. Everyone focused on_ _my words that I shouldn't even be saying. I wouldn't be saying them if I_ _hadn't been so dumb. "And now I'm standing here and telling you a love story_ _that you think has nothing to do with all of you. But it does." The green_ _eyes shine with another tears, he rubs them away with the other hand. "Because_ _without him I wouldn't be where I am now, I wouldn't have written all the_ _songs that let me win awards and people's hearts. Without him I wouldn't get_ _to know you all. Without him I wouldn't know what love and life is. And a good_ _coffee." I laugh at his silent chuckle and pull him by the hand. He relaxes in_ _my embrace as I start to sway back and forth while looking around. "I'm sorry._ _You didn't deserve to be treated like that. I will never do this again. The_ _life with all of you is too good to make me lose it again."_

*****

"Throughout 2017 I learned a few things. First of all, follow your heart. Buy that pink nail polish. Cut that hair. Wear that dress. Take that picture. Go for that run. Kiss that person. When you find love, hold onto it. Tight. Don't leave people you love without them knowing. Don't make them feel like shit. Don't be the reason they cry themselves to sleep. Don't make decisions on your own if they involve both of you."

*****

** CONNOR **

 

_"I'm here, Connor, you can do it." Troye tightens his grip and kisses my_ _temple._

_I feel like a little kid in a need for hugs whereas the boy sitting behind_ _with his arms around me is the younger one, and it's kind of degrading._

_"I am so dumb", I shake my head looking at my finger ghosting over the button_ _that would let the video upload. "Why is this so hard?", I scoff and lean back_ _turning a bit to nestle into his over sized hoodie._

_"Look", he says calmly caressing my hair. I try to even my breathing focusing_ _on his smell hitting the soft spots in my mind as he fondles strand by strand_ _with his long fingers. "You take it too serious, you think too much. I know_ _you, and I know your proclivity to overthink things not worth overthinking._ _This world isn't complicated. Can you_ believe _that you and I exist? That p_ _eople exist in general? That animals, flowers, sky exist? The whole freaking_ _universe? It sounds so stupid when I say that aloud, but the thing is, you_ _need to embrace the fact that you_ are _. Your heart is beating, you can_ _breathe, feel, desire, miss, love. You can taste the food, smell flowers, sing_ _along to the song playing on the stereo. Do you get it now? How simple is_ _that?" He moves his hand down to place it on my shoulder and starts rub it_ _slowly. "How simple is the fact of entire existence? Life happens now. We_ _don't know why. Imagine yourself a world without- a world. Like_ nothing _._ _God, I sound pretty mental right now", he laughs and kisses the top of my_ _head, what causes a little smile on my lips. "Somehow we're here, the words is_ _here consisting of atoms and space between them. You're here, I'm here, your_ _finger clicks the button and the video can upload. That's simple."_

_My thoughts unwittingly start to fly like mad dragons spitting fireballs, but_ _I shake my head and reach out my hand. I click the button, a little bit later_ _than I should, but I do, and I feel- everything and nothing._

_"All good?", asks Troye from behind as I watch the video being uploaded._

_"Yeah", I answer. "I just- I don't feel."_

_"Come here, my rosy boy."_

_He pulls me closer to his slender body, and I swear I can see the stars in his_ _eyes when I turn my head to meet his gaze and kiss him._

_"It's gonna be good", I whisper between short pecks._

_"It's gonna be great, I promise."_

 

*****

"I was looking for love in Jacob, but no matter how much I liked him, I couldn't. My heart belonged and belongs to someone else. Someone who puts my mug next to his one above the coffee machine. Someone who makes the best coffee I'd ever imagine. Someone who simply holds me when I am down. Someone who merely sits and looks at me with nothing but curiosity when I write a song on a napkin in our favorite bar. I've loved Jacob as a friend. That's not gonna change. He's an amazing friend and I don't want anybody to make him feel bad. I don't know what the future holds for us all, but I hope that all my closest friends will always be there as they are now."

*****

** TROYE **

 

_"I can't believe you're writing a song thirty minutes before your own wedding."_

_I look up at Jacob who smiles at me while swinging back and forth with a girl on his hip. He rubs her back with one hand and tightly holds her skinny body with the other one._

_"Tyler just came here and said that Connor is writing on napkins, so I'm not alone in this disease." I shrug folding the piece of paper and put it into the inside pocket of my blezer._

_I stand up and approach the boy. We're wearing similar suits, both of them from the Common Culture Autumn Collection designed by him and Connor. It was Tyler's idea to make the best men and grooms wear similar tuxes, since we let him organize the whole wedding. Honestly, I think he just wanted to have a piece of the collection._

_"Dad, uncle J says there are muffins. J says I can't eat them", says the girl with a sad smile and reaches out her hand in my direction. I catch her fingers and start to play with them._

_"We'll eat them together, baby, you just need to wait a bit longer", I whisper to her ear and kiss her white temple._

_"Ok, dad", she chuckles._

_"Jake, can you take Amelia to my mom?", I ask the boy as I step back. "She wanted to check on her hair."_

_"Sure." He nods and turns his head to meet the girl's eyes. "Do you want to walk on your own?"_

_"I'm five, uncle J, of course I wanna walk", she sighs patting Jacob's hair playfully, at what I laugh lightly._

_"Then why was I carrying for the whole time?"_

_"Because daddy said I'm a princess today, and I watched a movie with a princess, and she had a horse, and you are tall enough to be a horse."_

_In this moment I'm grateful I am not drinking anything, but I choke on my own saliva anyways._

 

  
 _"When I first met Troye, I thought_ oh my god, this boy is so skinny he's gonna break if someone touches him _. Don't judge a book by its cover, they_ _say, but trust me, looking at him at the Playlist Live in 2013 you would say_ _he'd collapse if life hits him a bit too hard." Tyler grins at me when I roll_ _my eyes, and continues after the crowd goes silent again. "During the following_ _months I learned that he's a complete opposite of his appearance. He may seem_ _weak and fragile, and he sort of is, I mean, he's got a beautiful soul and_ _warm heart, but he's strong enough to go through a lot of shit. He is the kind_ _of person you go to when you feel bad and broken, but you'd never see him_ _coming to you when he's down. So it was such an unbelievable moment when he_ _came to me and said_ Tyler, help me _. I almost fainted, but we sat on my_ _couch, I gave him a glass of water, and he said- he said_ I think I've fallen in love _." He pauses to take a deep breath. "And was so happy, because the_ _boy who'd kept saying he'd never been in love just told me he finally found_ _someone. But then he looked at the glass in his hand and continued_   but we'll never be together, he's not gay _. And, oh boy, did he cry then. But! Little did he_ _know that I saw the way the boy who he'd fallen for looking at him in the same_ _way that Troye looked at him. I couldn't push their boundaries, though, for now_ _known reasons. So," he takes the microphone in his hand and jumps down from_ _the stage, "seeing them now, happy, after wonderful vows and with their_ _daughter by their sides- you have no idea how happy_ I _am right now." He_ _smiles approaching me and Connor. I feel Amelia letting go of my hand. "I saw_ _these boys meet," continues Tyler embracing the girl's hug as she puts her_ _slender arms around his waist, "I watched them falling for each other, I saw_ _them apart, broken", he caresses my daughter hair and looks around, "and now I_ _see them together again, in Australia, on their wedding, two weeks before_ _Christmas which they'll spend in their own house with their kid, and I_ _couldn't be more proud, and moved, and thankful." Connor tightens his grip on_ _my hand. "Thankful, because they prove that no matter what, if you're meant to_ _be with someone, you'll always find a way to be with them. I wish you, guys,_ _to always find a way, and to live your life in the best way possible."_

_The crowd goes loud, there are screams and whistles, while Tyler pulls up_ _Amelia, places her on his hip, and looks at us._ _At me and Connor._

_I turn my head to meet the green-eyed boy's gaze._

_"My beautiful husband", I whisper not sure if he can hear me._

_Connor smiles widely and gratefully falls into my arms when I lift them up to_ _hug him. His hair smells just the same as it did on the first day I met him_ _over four years ago._

_"I have something for you, my boy." I pull away a bit to wipe the single tear_ _that managed to stream down his cheek._

_"What is it?"_

_In response I only tap his nose with my finger and step back. I find Tyler's_ _eyes and ask him a wordless question. I kid you not, in the moment he nods I_ _feel my heart beating faster than I thought it'd be possible today._

_Connor frowns when I walk away keeping our eye-contact, but his eyebrows_ _practically disappear under his hair when he sees I jump on the stage and take_ _the mic from Tyler._

_"May I have your attention, please?" I pat the microphone and look at the_ _crowd. All the people I care for, all the people that choose to give me_ _another chance, my friends and family, now extended by Franta's. Their eyes_ _focus on me when I swallow and try to take a deep breath. "We'll be dancing in_ _a few minutes, but first, I have something to say. Or rather", I bite on my_ _lower lips as I see the green-eyed boy covering his mouth with his hands, "to_ _sing."_

_The music starts to play, and I sit on the edge of the stage reaching out my_ _hand to Connor. The boy comes closer, I wipe away another tears running down_ _his cheeks._

 

Keep me safe,

tucked away

in your back pocket.

Keep me safe,

tucked away

in the depths of your mind.

Store me away

carefully

before you forget.

Store me away

carefully,

and keep me safe.

 

_Amelia jumps from behind Connor and sits next to me. I hug her with one arm,_ _the other holding the microphone as I sing the chorus._

 

Don't ditch me left

to catch a dust,

don't toss me away,

don't have second thoughts.

Fold me up neatly,

put in a box,

seal shut with a tape,

don't have second thoughts.

 

Keep me safe,

hide away

in your tight grip, and

keep safe the pieces

away

for I can't collect them, and

store me away,

puzzle back,

without you I lack, and

store me away,

hold in palms

tired of time.

 

_I repeat the chorus, Amelia swinging us back and forth as I keep my eyes on_ _the green irises._

 

Don't ditch me left

to catch a dust,

don't toss me away,

don't have second thoughts.

Fold me up neatly,

put in a box,

seal shut with a tape,

don't have second thoughts.

 

_I let go of our daughter and stand on the ground. I lift up my hand and place_ _it on Connor's cheek not breaking the eye-contact._

 

So please,

keep safe

the pieces of me

that I

don't think

I can collect.

And keep

them safe,

the sky and the trees,

the thought

of us

now ready to be.*

 

*****

"For 2018 I wish you to be yourself. Stay safe. Love. Live. Don't worry. It gets better."

"Daaad!"

I take a glance of the black-haired girl with streamers and balloons in her hands closing the front door behind her. Then I smile at Connor standing behind the camera, and finally I look back into the lens.

"I love you, guys, very much. Thank you for your support and all the love you've been giving me."

"Dad!"

Amelia jumps on my thighs and pecks my cheek. I chuckle hugging her little body and look into her chocolate eyes, that Connor claims are in the color of coffee.

"You want to wink with me for the camera?"

"Yup!", she answers accentuating   _p_ , just exactly like Con, and giggles silently.

"So on my count to three, okay?"

"Okay!"

I turn my gaze in the direction where Connor stands behind the camera. I notice his eyes shining with tears, but there's a genuine smile widening his lips and he's staring at me and at our daughter, and for a second I forget what I was about to do.

"Are you counting, dad?" Amelia's voice brings me back to the reality.

"Yes, yes, I am. One, twooo, three!" Old times hit me like a train causing a lump in my throat. "Byeee!"

"Bye, bye! Who are we talking to, dad?"

 

 

**____**

*** _Sky And Trees_ \- a song written by me based on a poem by   _remnant-thoughts_  on tumblr.**

**well.**

**that was a weird road, I can't say _no_. I wrote the story to maybe get rid of the burden from my chest, but I only feel slightly better. I have so many questions, and so many ideas to write sometimes as I imagine T &C moments, but there is no place to write them.**

**I hope that this book somehow made up your moods, because this is what I really would want for the boys to happen if things were different, though I am happy that Troye's happy and I wish for Connor the best boyfriend ever. He deserves so, so much.**

**thank you for reading,**

**Anna**

**xx**

**(picture source:** private **)**


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